Day 6.5? I don't know anymore
The guy I cheated with continues to cause me pain in my life. All I want is for him to answer a few questions. He called me Wednesday but haven't called me since. He texted me today saying he is back from vacation and we can probably talk later. I hope he calls. I really do not want to get vindictive and contact his wife. We work together and that can turn out bad for both of us.
Last night I almost drove myself nuts thinking about my ex, wondering how he was doing, wondering if it's at the point that he moved on for good, etc. So I mustered up the courage and called him. It was late his time. To my surprise, he picked up after the second ring. I was so nervous and scared to talk. But we talked a lot last night.
It wasn't how we used to talk, which makes me sad. It gets harder to hear him talk about how he really was preparing his life to move by me and propose to me two weeks after his birthday bash. It's hard listening to that, but I reassure him that he can talk it out to me. I know it is healing for him to express his feelings. He is so angry because he tried to warn me to ignore the guy, to not go places with guys without telling him. That before, we were honest with one another. He's just so angry because it all could have been avoided, but I listened to other people who encouraged me to do things behind his back.
He accidentally called me "babe" at one point in the conversation. Hearing him slip out and say that just makes me know this is going to be a long process. He told me he wanted to call me all yesterday but he didn't know what to say if he called. He said he was happy that I called him. What's a girl supposed to think when she hears things like that? I don't want any false hope. I really am not trying to manipulate him in taking me back. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be back in his life. But all I am focused on is finally being a friend to him again and helping him rebuild trust in others. Those are my only goals at this point. Whatever the universe or God or gods have for us, I don't know. Life is unpredictable. But it is so hard to picture a happy future without him; something I didn't realize until I escaped the "fog".
ETA: I realized my ex is like me. He likes to say "move forward" instead of "move on". Am I reading too much into this? I do think there is a key difference in both of the phrases.
Last night I almost drove myself nuts thinking about my ex, wondering how he was doing, wondering if it's at the point that he moved on for good, etc. So I mustered up the courage and called him. It was late his time. To my surprise, he picked up after the second ring. I was so nervous and scared to talk. But we talked a lot last night.
It wasn't how we used to talk, which makes me sad. It gets harder to hear him talk about how he really was preparing his life to move by me and propose to me two weeks after his birthday bash. It's hard listening to that, but I reassure him that he can talk it out to me. I know it is healing for him to express his feelings. He is so angry because he tried to warn me to ignore the guy, to not go places with guys without telling him. That before, we were honest with one another. He's just so angry because it all could have been avoided, but I listened to other people who encouraged me to do things behind his back.
He accidentally called me "babe" at one point in the conversation. Hearing him slip out and say that just makes me know this is going to be a long process. He told me he wanted to call me all yesterday but he didn't know what to say if he called. He said he was happy that I called him. What's a girl supposed to think when she hears things like that? I don't want any false hope. I really am not trying to manipulate him in taking me back. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be back in his life. But all I am focused on is finally being a friend to him again and helping him rebuild trust in others. Those are my only goals at this point. Whatever the universe or God or gods have for us, I don't know. Life is unpredictable. But it is so hard to picture a happy future without him; something I didn't realize until I escaped the "fog".
ETA: I realized my ex is like me. He likes to say "move forward" instead of "move on". Am I reading too much into this? I do think there is a key difference in both of the phrases.
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