Day 4/5

I didn't write yesterday, I was really busy had work and then babysitting. It is good to keep active though I didn't have much negativity because I was pretty occupied. Today is going pretty good so far as well. I worked all morning and this is the first time since I woke up I got to sit down for more than a few minutes. OK, well I need to be honest not everything has been peaches and roses today. At work we were short staffed and today we got two new girls. The one girl looked familiar to me and I kept thinking oh, if she knows about my accident, what if she knows I should be working as an RN right now? what if she tells people? what if they fire me? and on and on.  These are the negative thoughts I have, buzzing around in my head. Well it turns out she doesn't know anything, she just went to my high school, and is friends with one of my old neighbors and that's where I saw her. Shes years younger than me and wasn't in high school when my accident happened so I didn't need to have a freak out in my head. But it happens. I can't help it, I really try to talk myself out of it but I usually just end up upsetting myself more. I've been working a lot, I need the money for school and it helps to focus on something other than my thoughts. True be told I'd much rather be working as an RN right now, but that isn't in the cards for me at the moment. You see, like I said before my accident didn't just alter one part of my life. It rippled into every inch of it. I got accepted to Nursing school and graduated school in December with my Associate in Applied Science Degree in Nursing, in February I took the NCLEX licensure exam and passed on my first try, so now I am a  Registered Nurse. With my accident came legal action and with legal action came a record and I have one. A big one. Homicide by Vehicle DUI. It is a Felony. A Juvenal offence though, because I was 17. I can't get an expungement until November 2013. No one will hire an RN with this kind of baggage. So until November of next year I can't practice nursing, even though I have an active license that I worked so hard for. Until then I am continuing my education to get my Bachelors of Science in Nursing.I am bummed beyond belief because if this. and terrified of other people finding out. No one in nursing school other than the dean and the higher ups knew about my offense. So all the people I graduated with are all like when are you gonna get a job or hows working? and it kills me. Other people around town and distant friends always ask me. I for a long time just kept saying i am working on it, and I did go on interviews so it wasn't a lie but now I just pretend I have one. I started working some where new where no one knows that I have my license already so to them I'm still in nursing school but to everyone else that knew me before as far as they know I'm working as a nurse. I haven't straight up lied about it. but I feel like I am. I have a while until I actually can work as a nurse so who knows I may have to come clean but it brings me to another point. I hate telling people the truth I feel like a failure and people just don't understand. I get sympathy and I hate it. I hate feeling bad for myself, I hate that I have to tell anyone at all. No one has been mean to me about it, but its still really hard to do it. It breaks my heart more now than ever to hear myself say the words. I am dealing with not having a nursing job as best that I can but it still hurts me. I know that this is part of my punishment. Its a harder part than you'd imagine. I just feel like I worked so hard to get my RN that when I got out of school I'd get a job for my hard work and dedication but I didn't. I'm waiting around again like I did before I had to go to placement. The anticipation of not knowing drives me wild. See how seeing one person I thought knew something fueled me to divulge half my inner most thoughts on this journal entry. UGH, how it runs so deep. And it does it runs deeper than I ever thought it could. But it has and day by day it gets easier but I am still so far from overcoming all my saga. I really have been bottling up so much, there is just so much.