day 4 part 2

I'm scared this is going to be forever. I'm scared I'm never gonna get out. I'm scared that this is just my life- that I'm not meant to be happy. That happiness is for everyone else- not me. I'm so fucking scared. It feels endless and its painful and I don't know how I'm gonna live my life without a crutch, without escapism. I never have. But then again perhaps that's one of the reasons I'm so distraught right now. I just gotta make it through tonight. Weed won't fix this. It never has. Binges won't either. Being present in my life is what I need. That's my answer. God help me. Its 945. There's no way I can make the call now. This will be my fourth day w out smoking pot. But its really like my first day bc its my first day home. Here is where the struggle is. My ma and brother just got home and I want to go say hello. But they just won't ever be the way I need them to. I think its too much right now for me to deal with them. Not today
I would give anything for a family that made me feel fulfilled and whole. I wish I had it and I'm really scared I'm never going to find it. One day at a time.

I have to hide who I really am to be accepted by this family. They've never ever accepted me for who I am and they never will. They all have preconceived notions of how people should act and I just don't fit the mold. Every time I'm around them I feel like damaged goods. Their Idea of healthy is to put a big koolaid smile on your face and act like nothing's wrong. That's why I'm here. Bc I got told my whole life that family is everything and my family never really liked who I was or who I am. They say they do but the second I complain about anything or act in any way other than the way they think I should act then all that love and compassion goes right out the window. Its just all a bunch of bullshit. Its no worse now then its ever been- in fact its arguably better. They only thing that has changed is that I'm facing reality now instead of doing everything possible to escape it.