Day 35/36

So I had a really good birthday day yesterday. My boyfriend and I spent the whole day together, we went to the water park and had a blast swimming all day! Then we went out to eat and visited the new baby! It was a really special day! My sister in law and baby are home now, they are both doing really good! Today went alright I worked all morning but got off early so that was good but I am so exhausted from yesterday and today. And the other day Monday night I got stung by a bee on my foot! Its swollen and hurts but I didn't freak out about it, but it hurts. So I had to work on a hurt foot which made it worse. The head housekeeper lady quit yesterday though, so were going through more changes but TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY THERE! I START MY NEW JOB MONDAY! I can't wait, I am a little nervous but overall I am more excited than anything!! Finally I get to practice as an RN. I feel like I deserve this from all the hard work I have put in to everything. I have some reservations about it though, its that little negative voice in the back of my mind. Shes been pretty quite but shes still there, I am drowning out her pessimism with all the good things I have done, but it is still hard to fully believe I deserve such a gift because of what I already have done. I have been listening to Wide Awake by Katy Perry on loop for a few days now. I don't perceive it in the same way most do, to me its not about a guy but I take it as a positive message about what I have went through, that finally I am wide awake to everything, and that I now have the strength to forgive myself. IDK I feel like it is helping me. I am now wide awake to everything there is. No more hiding in the shadows. Every thing is out in the open and I can start fresh. I feel empowered when I hear it. But again there is that voice saying you don't deserve this job, you are a murder. I don't look at myself as a murder, but of course according to the law that's what I am. To me I took a life. And now I AM MAKING AMENDS FOR IT. That voice in my head keeps getting quieter and quieter. One day it shall be gone, until then I am dealing with it as best I can and doing everything in my power to right my wrong. I still think about this everyday but not in the same way I did before. My negative look on it has since ceased. I really feel as though I have overcame my initial state of misery and self-loathing and despair about taking his life. I feel I have grasped a bit of forgiving myself for it, but I know I am not 100%. I am in the process of healing. With an open heart I am wide awake.