Day 3 Am I an Alcoholic? Part 1
Today is my third morning waking up feeling better than I have for a long time. I'm not having any difficult physical symptoms from not drinking because I have only been a heavy drinker off and on for the last 7 years. So, although that is nice, I still have to deal with the emotional attachment, etc.
I'm asking myself, why did I drink so much?
It started a few years after I met my husband. When I met him in 2003, I was 39. I was a hard working single parent, and my son was 14 at the time. I drank minimally then. Probable 2 or 3 drinks a week. A margarita when I went out for Mexican food and a beer or two in the sunshine after skiing. A glass of wine once in a while with a friend. I rarely went out socializing at night because I liked to be home with my son. I did not drink at home, except the occasional beer on the weekends after skiing. I could have leftover alcohol from having a dinner party and not drink it again until I had guests. When my son turned 13, he started being more social and going out at night, so I started going out once in a while with friends. Still just drank minimally. Then I met my husband, (I adore him), and we liked each other instantly and were married two years later. He usually drinks every day, but he can stop when he wants to. I don't think he has a problem with alcohol, but he sure does like to drink. I did not start out drinking every day, but that is definitely when my drinking increased. It was OK the first 3 or 4 years I would say. It was fun, no negative consequences other than an occasional hangover. But I was becoming dependent on alcohol. So, when I first started drinking too much was probably around 2007.
Things changed in 2007. Too try and make a long story short, it was mainly financial factors. Drinking for me now changed from just something fun and enjoyable to "helping" me deal with stress and anxiety. I went to the doctors and got a prescription for anxiety pills, but I would take the pills AND drink. Not good. By the Fall of 2008, things were bad for me. I was having negative consequences, mainly with myself and my marriage. I would end up having these huge fights with my husband that only occurred at night after drinking too much and taking the meds. Instead of communicating to him my feelings, anxieties and stresses in the day when I was in a good space, I just drank to numb myself, and then would try and explain my feelings when I was drunk. Not good. After a few months, my husband told me he wasn't going to live like this, and I don't blame him. I knew I was getting out of control, and I wanted to change too. That is the first time I wanted to change, and I did. I went to the county Behavioral Services (I had been there before when I was having trouble with depression) and started individual counseling, and because I wanted to take a break from drinking, I went to AA.
AA was not a good fit for me. I went to 4 or 5 meetings and they were all the same. The main thing I did not like was how everyone I talked to had something to say about everyone else there and they were SO judgemental of them. Also, I really could not relate my experience with anyone there even though I shared. Everyone who I met or who shared had these extremely negative past experiences related to their alcohol use. Well, even though I had not had such negative consequences, I knew I had a problem. I was able to talk to my counselor about these things. If there was only vodka in the house, I would never be able to drink it straight. Gross! No, I had to have my soda water, cranberry, and ICE CUBES. Ice Cubes are a huge part of my ritual. No ice cubes-no cocktail. Well, it was easy for me to get all this other stuff. And the fridge made ice cubes! Anyways, I new just because I was a picky drinker, I still had a problem.
I was able to quit for 3 months, and when I went back to drinking, it was ok. I was in control of the alcohol versus alcohol being in control of me. That lasted for about 2 years. I guess that was from 2008 to 2010.
Wow, now that I am writing this timeline out, things are becoming more clear to me. I thought that my drinking had only got worse (again)the last year, but really it's been for the last 3 years. I have to go now, but in my next journal entry, I will be writing about the revelations I've had in just these last 2 days of not drinking, relating to this challenge of mine now: do I try and stop drinking so much (just on the weekends, not more than 6 drinks total), or do I try and stop all together ?
I'm asking myself, why did I drink so much?
It started a few years after I met my husband. When I met him in 2003, I was 39. I was a hard working single parent, and my son was 14 at the time. I drank minimally then. Probable 2 or 3 drinks a week. A margarita when I went out for Mexican food and a beer or two in the sunshine after skiing. A glass of wine once in a while with a friend. I rarely went out socializing at night because I liked to be home with my son. I did not drink at home, except the occasional beer on the weekends after skiing. I could have leftover alcohol from having a dinner party and not drink it again until I had guests. When my son turned 13, he started being more social and going out at night, so I started going out once in a while with friends. Still just drank minimally. Then I met my husband, (I adore him), and we liked each other instantly and were married two years later. He usually drinks every day, but he can stop when he wants to. I don't think he has a problem with alcohol, but he sure does like to drink. I did not start out drinking every day, but that is definitely when my drinking increased. It was OK the first 3 or 4 years I would say. It was fun, no negative consequences other than an occasional hangover. But I was becoming dependent on alcohol. So, when I first started drinking too much was probably around 2007.
Things changed in 2007. Too try and make a long story short, it was mainly financial factors. Drinking for me now changed from just something fun and enjoyable to "helping" me deal with stress and anxiety. I went to the doctors and got a prescription for anxiety pills, but I would take the pills AND drink. Not good. By the Fall of 2008, things were bad for me. I was having negative consequences, mainly with myself and my marriage. I would end up having these huge fights with my husband that only occurred at night after drinking too much and taking the meds. Instead of communicating to him my feelings, anxieties and stresses in the day when I was in a good space, I just drank to numb myself, and then would try and explain my feelings when I was drunk. Not good. After a few months, my husband told me he wasn't going to live like this, and I don't blame him. I knew I was getting out of control, and I wanted to change too. That is the first time I wanted to change, and I did. I went to the county Behavioral Services (I had been there before when I was having trouble with depression) and started individual counseling, and because I wanted to take a break from drinking, I went to AA.
AA was not a good fit for me. I went to 4 or 5 meetings and they were all the same. The main thing I did not like was how everyone I talked to had something to say about everyone else there and they were SO judgemental of them. Also, I really could not relate my experience with anyone there even though I shared. Everyone who I met or who shared had these extremely negative past experiences related to their alcohol use. Well, even though I had not had such negative consequences, I knew I had a problem. I was able to talk to my counselor about these things. If there was only vodka in the house, I would never be able to drink it straight. Gross! No, I had to have my soda water, cranberry, and ICE CUBES. Ice Cubes are a huge part of my ritual. No ice cubes-no cocktail. Well, it was easy for me to get all this other stuff. And the fridge made ice cubes! Anyways, I new just because I was a picky drinker, I still had a problem.
I was able to quit for 3 months, and when I went back to drinking, it was ok. I was in control of the alcohol versus alcohol being in control of me. That lasted for about 2 years. I guess that was from 2008 to 2010.
Wow, now that I am writing this timeline out, things are becoming more clear to me. I thought that my drinking had only got worse (again)the last year, but really it's been for the last 3 years. I have to go now, but in my next journal entry, I will be writing about the revelations I've had in just these last 2 days of not drinking, relating to this challenge of mine now: do I try and stop drinking so much (just on the weekends, not more than 6 drinks total), or do I try and stop all together ?
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