Day 29/30/31

Well I'm getting my days confused this week for some reason IDK lets see, Wednesday I was off of work and spent the day with my mom who was also off work. It was such a great day we had a barbecue for the first day of summer. BUT the bad part was my dad came home drunk. His sobriety didn't last this time either. He seems to be on a binge now. IDK what happened but hes was drunk yesterday and today. Ok so Yesterday I worked all day then went to my boyfriends nieces dance dress rehearsal. It was wonderful and I am helping out back stage lining up all the girls. I enjoyed this very much. Then today I worked til 2 then came home my dad seemed fine but started talking to me and I could smell it on his breathe. It pissed me off so bad I wanted to smack him. How could he do this...Again. He relapsed again for about the millionth time. Is it because my grandmas bday is coming up? My grandma, his mom just passed away in March. It was really hard on all of us, especially him. Her birthday is the 28th, this coming Thursday. I feel like this may have been a trigger. IDK all I do know is he done it again. I am not happy about it. My nephew is coming this week and are in the same place we were two years ago. When my niece was born my dad was too drunk to come to the hospital to see her. It seems like this is gonna be how it is for this baby too. UGH I am just so upset. I have been thrown back and forth through the DABDA (denial, anger, bargaining,depression,acceptance) cycle for the past Three years now with him. Its so hard not to keep going back to anger when he keeps relapsing. He will go months with out a sip! MONTHSSSS and all seems well until he does it again. This time I am putting my foot down. He needs to leave again. My mom kicked him out when he got really bad. He was gone for months, but when my grandma died he came back to live with us again, hes been sober for almost three months now and I feel its time to go. My mom said you can stay as long as you don't drink, but he broke that rule now so its time to go, living with him like this is PURE HELL! He will steal your money, steal the keys drive to the liquor store and drive home. He'll make excuses to leave the house then go get more. He hides it places and its just horrible. I'd rather him be laying there passed out drunk then mobile. He'll drink a little and then fake you out and get in the car and be gone for hours. I once had to pick him up at a police station. It was the ABSOLUTE WORST MOMENT of this whole thing. He was visiting his brother in the hospital, IN THE HOSPITAL and decided to drink and then try to drive himself home. The cops pulled him over but didn't arrest him they took him back to the police station and called me. ME the one who killed someone while drinking and driving. ME I had to go pick him up and drive him home. He kept saying "I am fine those cops were just worried, I CAN DRIVE HOME, GO DROP ME OFF TO PICK UP MY TRUCK." "Yeah FUCK off" thats all I said to him. I never use that word but I did that day!!! I cried for weeks, WEEKS about it. He still doesn't know how much that hurt me. Yet he continues to drink and drink and drive. After everything I have been through, he still drinks and drives. It is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Now I am crying. I hate crying but it just hurts so bad. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my profanity in this entry I just am in a horrible mood at the moment. I have stopped crying but the pain is still here. I know I can't cure him but it just sucks. Every time he drinks it hurts us all so much. He sees nothing but his own self satisfaction, hes so selfish. We all hurt. We all have problems but drinking and self medicating isn't the answer. It causes so much more pain. He just doesn't see that. He only sees his pain. I just can't believe were back in the spiral again. I am taking his keys with me when I leave tonight. I guess we will figure out what to do tomorrow. I have my boyfriends nieces dance recitile tonight. I just hope I can focus on that.