day 2 part 2
The reality I'm scared to face
1. Living at home w my ma and abusive brother. Not having a place of my own and knowing that it will be at least several months before I can afford one
2.The fact that I am 75 pounds over weight
3. I have no man
4. I have no local friends that I actually want to spend time with
5. I hate what I've let myself become. When I look in the mirror I want to cry.
6. I don't have a penny to my name and there is no money coming in.
7. I've let all my cleaning go to shit so there is a lot of remedial shit I haven't dealt with
I'm scared as shit of what I'm gonna find when I stop escaping myself. I've done it in one way or the next my entire life. I'm scared and I feel weak. I'm scared I'll fail. I want to believe that life is good but so many things have shown me otherwise. I'm just really scared.
One of my all time favorite lines in a movie is when Jack nicholson walks into the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office and its packed and everyone stares at him and he says "What if this is as good as it gets?" That's what I'm scared of. What if this is as good as it gets?
Living here feels like forever. I've have never been able to sustain long term change living here. I am constantly aware of that. Yet- I've never truly tried to stay present in my life while living here either. Maybe the 2 are related.
Believing that Happiness while living w my fam is possible is like believing in unicorns. I've never seen either one and I'm inclined to believe that both just doesn't exist.
That's where I'm at. I'm gonna go clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel better.
1. Living at home w my ma and abusive brother. Not having a place of my own and knowing that it will be at least several months before I can afford one
2.The fact that I am 75 pounds over weight
3. I have no man
4. I have no local friends that I actually want to spend time with
5. I hate what I've let myself become. When I look in the mirror I want to cry.
6. I don't have a penny to my name and there is no money coming in.
7. I've let all my cleaning go to shit so there is a lot of remedial shit I haven't dealt with
I'm scared as shit of what I'm gonna find when I stop escaping myself. I've done it in one way or the next my entire life. I'm scared and I feel weak. I'm scared I'll fail. I want to believe that life is good but so many things have shown me otherwise. I'm just really scared.
One of my all time favorite lines in a movie is when Jack nicholson walks into the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office and its packed and everyone stares at him and he says "What if this is as good as it gets?" That's what I'm scared of. What if this is as good as it gets?
Living here feels like forever. I've have never been able to sustain long term change living here. I am constantly aware of that. Yet- I've never truly tried to stay present in my life while living here either. Maybe the 2 are related.
Believing that Happiness while living w my fam is possible is like believing in unicorns. I've never seen either one and I'm inclined to believe that both just doesn't exist.
That's where I'm at. I'm gonna go clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel better.
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