day 2 part 2
The reality I'm scared to face
1. Living at home w my ma and abusive brother. Not having a place of my own and knowing that it will be at least several months before I can afford one
2.The fact that I am 75 pounds over weight
3. I have no man
4. I have no local friends that I actually want to spend time with
5. I hate what I've let myself become. When I look in the mirror I want to cry.
6. I don't have a penny to my name and there is no money coming in.
7. I've let all my cleaning go to shit so there is a lot of remedial shit I haven't dealt with
I'm scared as shit of what I'm gonna find when I stop escaping myself. I've done it in one way or the next my entire life. I'm scared and I feel weak. I'm scared I'll fail. I want to believe that life is good but so many things have shown me otherwise. I'm just really scared.
One of my all time favorite lines in a movie is when Jack nicholson walks into the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office and its packed and everyone stares at him and he says "What if this is as good as it gets?" That's what I'm scared of. What if this is as good as it gets?
Living here feels like forever. I've have never been able to sustain long term change living here. I am constantly aware of that. Yet- I've never truly tried to stay present in my life while living here either. Maybe the 2 are related.
Believing that Happiness while living w my fam is possible is like believing in unicorns. I've never seen either one and I'm inclined to believe that both just doesn't exist.
That's where I'm at. I'm gonna go clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel better.
1. Living at home w my ma and abusive brother. Not having a place of my own and knowing that it will be at least several months before I can afford one
2.The fact that I am 75 pounds over weight
3. I have no man
4. I have no local friends that I actually want to spend time with
5. I hate what I've let myself become. When I look in the mirror I want to cry.
6. I don't have a penny to my name and there is no money coming in.
7. I've let all my cleaning go to shit so there is a lot of remedial shit I haven't dealt with
I'm scared as shit of what I'm gonna find when I stop escaping myself. I've done it in one way or the next my entire life. I'm scared and I feel weak. I'm scared I'll fail. I want to believe that life is good but so many things have shown me otherwise. I'm just really scared.
One of my all time favorite lines in a movie is when Jack nicholson walks into the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office and its packed and everyone stares at him and he says "What if this is as good as it gets?" That's what I'm scared of. What if this is as good as it gets?
Living here feels like forever. I've have never been able to sustain long term change living here. I am constantly aware of that. Yet- I've never truly tried to stay present in my life while living here either. Maybe the 2 are related.
Believing that Happiness while living w my fam is possible is like believing in unicorns. I've never seen either one and I'm inclined to believe that both just doesn't exist.
That's where I'm at. I'm gonna go clean up around here. Maybe that will make me feel better.
Replies
After I got all that out I realized that believing in unicorns has been all I\'ve ever done. I became a lawyer against all odds. The fact that I don\'t have a criminal record is against all odds. The fact that I haven\'t just given up and followed the same path as the rest of my family is against all odds. My whole life has been about proving my father and everyone else who took one look at me and said people like me can\'t do it wrong. Smoking is the same thing. I passed the NY and NJ bar on the first shot- and I\'m sitting here trippin about quitting fucking smoking weed.
Which begs the question- would I rather take another bar exam then quit smoking weed. The answer is a resiunding hell no. Those tests were absolutely hellish. Compared to that this aint shit
You\'re like me, I constantly focus on the negative instead of the positive accomplishments. I guess the bad is easier to remember. But, in reality, I\'ve really done some pretty amazing stuff that no one, and I mean NO ONE, would have ever expected me to do - and so have you.
Just this morning I was thinking about this very same thing... why do I keep focusing on everything wrong with me and not the good stuff I know I can do and have done? Is it a convenient excuse to procrastinate? Am I procrastinating because I\'m scared? That\'s really the answer, at least for me anyway. Anything I put off is because I am scared, and I try to avoid that feeling at all cost. But you know what? The more I feel that fear the faster it loses it\'s power over me and starts to fade away... and my self esteem starts to build back up.
\"The only way out is through\"... so true, but I don\'t like it all the same. Being scared is a yucky feeling, especially when it\'s and \"imagined\" fear. Looking at all the \"what ifs\" is what gets me in trouble for sure. Did you know that 90% of what we imagine, when we\'re catastrophizing never comes true? Amazing huh?
You can do this, I know you can. And you\'ll do it when you\'re absolutely ready and not anytime sooner. Be easy on yourself hun.
Amen my friend. I feel everything you just said. You\'ve always told me that- when I\'m ready to quit I will- I thank you for reminding me of that. You\'re right. And the procrastination- wow! I do the same shit!!! And I\'m just starting out in my career so there are A LOT of times that I feel scared. It\'s been so much for me to deal with. I have to start facing fears in my life- actually I have been doing so- I have to keep doing so. It\'s may 9th- I\'m giving quitting another chance. It\'s 7:17PM and I still don\'t want to smoke. Also- its monday, so J\'s here- and I still don\'t want to smoke!!! So there\'s that. I think I\'m ready.
Thank you so much for your continued support. It really means so much to me.