day 2

yesterday was horrible. we both cried a lot. he told me he is going to consider me not living with him and the kids. honestly I can't stand the thought but I have asked him to do so much for me. he came to me last night saying he lost who he is because of the relationship. that hurt more than I realize.  who he is is amazing I never wanted to take who he is from the world. I want him to be at his best. I also need to get the help I need. today is the day I sign paperwork to move us into our new home. this was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives.

I will admit I am scared of the future. I always saw him in mine. I love this man unconditionally and forever. as much as it's going to kill me on the inside if one day he needs to be free I will have to do that. 

I admitted to missing James last night. I even sent James a text from his phone with his suggestion.  if things go bad for Brandon and I..i will lose a lot. I have been the sole provider for years. I don't care about the money is give him it all if he needed it. I am just hoping it doesn't come to that.  he is my hope. my goal is to get better. my brain needs to be rewired. James eventually did unblock me to ask me to stop so he can fix his marriage. I hope he can. he needs to be 100% honest with her too. and that's my take away. I should have come to my husband to talk to him about my feelings of abandonment. 

seeing Brandon cry breaks me everytime. especially since I am the reason. we still love each other.  I wish I had the strength to do his one thing he asked me to do sooner.  but we all have should have would have a could haves.  I just want my marriage back. I want my life back. we had it good and I was insecure and I don't want to be. I am wonderwoman and it's ok to not be on the highest platform all of the time.