Day 12/13

Another busy day yesterday. I was off again which was nice we were planning on taking his car to the car show but his chain blew so we just went and looked at all the cars. It was a nice afternoon, I got a little sun too which was nice, I hate being pasty pale! He is so tan it makes me jealous lol. Anyways I had a good day yesterday but was too busy to sit and write about it, and so today I had some down time after work for today's so I figured I'd just combined them. I really like writing on here. I enjoy the therapeutic outlet it gives plus the feedback. I told my one friend about it today and I hope she joins. She has been going through a lot, pretty much her entire life and I think she could benefit from this as well. I wish I was half as strong as she is. Right now shes dealing with trying to get her daughter back from CYS and I know I'd be a complete wreck but shes handling well. I pray for her often. We never get to spend enough time together but we're both so busy anymore. It's hard being an adult. When I was younger all I ever wanted to do was grow up. But now I wish I was still a kid most days. I am still a kid at heart. I love to play and run around and do kid things haha I hope I never loose my imagination either. It can be good and bad. I can think of the wildest funnest things but also the worst and most terrifying. IDK I have always been like that I guess. I know I have always dreamed big. I never wanted to settle. Just wasn't what was good for me. I work my ass off to get things though. Don't get me wrong. I work so hard for everything I have. No one just hands me stuff anymore. I pay my own bills. I do my own chores. Plus other peoples too lol. I help my family out as much as I can. I still live at home so you'd think I'd be easy living but I couldn't just take from them. After everything they have done for me, its the least I can do. I didn't have too many negative thoughts yesterday or today. I few but again I dismissed them. I always think the worst is  gonna happen. IDK if its to make myself feel better that it doesn't but those thoughts still come. I always think I am gonna die or get some disease thats gonna kill me or just bad bad bad. Well today the two new girls at work quit. So tomorrow were getting two more new girls so I had the thought well what if one of them knows me or knows about what happened. But I told myself. SO WHAT. The worst that would happen is that Id get fired and if I do then so be it. I work my ass off for them if they wanna fire me for keeping it quite then they don't deserve me. It isn't their business to know. Ill tell them when I am ready to tell them. But really they don't need to know. It doesn't effect the job I am doing now so they can just deal with it. I feel empowered as I say this and I think that is a good sign. I don't want to be afraid anymore I have lived too long in fear. I want to be strong, like my friend. I want to lift my head high and say " I am proud of who I am."