DAY 113 - - - REALIZATIONS

My life/relationships are constantly changing now - or maybe I'm just noticing more, being more focused on my life - without the thoughts of gambling and all that goes with it cluttering up my mind.  What I'm realizing is that all of the positive warm loving feelings re: my relationship are there, very clear and open to me.  But - when I was gambling, I really couldn't show my love and affection the way I can now, and didn't feel like I was getting any of those good things...  I find myself being able to give more to my relationship ... and then getting so much more in return too..  Surprises and changes each day.  I think that what's ironic about this situation is that initially, I believe that I started more than just casual gambling due to the loneliness and stress I felt in the relationship and to get away, I think, from the problems that, at least in my mind, existed.  I felt out of control - like I couldn't resolve anything, whether it be communication or behavior-related things - - -I always felt roadblocks being put up, so when I went off to the casino, I escaped from all of it - - -and myself....   I realize now, and really only NOW after time has elapsed, what I was actually doing... I felt my life/relationship was lacking in certain areas, and I was trying to compensate for those holes . . . . only to put myself and the relationship into a much deeper hole.   Now little by little, I/we are climbing out of it.  My behavior affected others more than I realized.  Now that the whole vibration has changed, what I get back is sooo different, really nice, and very special.  I could have lost everything and somehow I avoided doing so... thanks to this site, incite of others having gone through the experience, and just plain coming to my senses in time.
Thanks for listening - - - this was a rambling one - all part of the process of change, I'm sure. :]
Take care and have a great day,
Smokeygirl