Day 1 - I confessed
Well, that was horrible. I wish I could have quieted my conscience and kept my big mouth shut. I want to say this was all for the best, that there is a reason things happen. It hurts to read the Infidelity forum and read how the BS's feel. All of their anger makes me wonder just how my boyfriend feels right now. I'm not at the point to call him my ex yet. It may sound crazy, but I don't think I will ever move on from him. I don't want anyone else. I never wanted anyone else. I just fell for temptation, and I wish someone understood that.
Nevertheless, I may never know how he feels. He didn't even put it on the table for us to remain friends. He just hung up. I don't feel like we achieved true closure.
I also feel bad because I'm a little angry with him. I know it's crazy for someone to think how can a cheater be angry, but I'm not a robot. I'm not a demon. If you cut me I will bleed, yada yada yada. So I can be just as angry at this all. Why? Because I was never asked why or how it occurred. I feel like not wanting to understand the other side is selfish. To me, it showed that I wasn't the only one who didn't love unconditionally. I'm not saying he's obligated to stay, but for that alone to be a deal breaker? Even before I cheated I never considered that a deal breaker. My only deal breaker was if my S/O physically or verbally abused me.
I know I did this to us, but to hear him berate me the whole time was like he thought of me as some type of sicko. It really made me aware of all the people I've judged before - first time offenders, crackheads, alcoholics, etc. No one grows up thinking she would do these things. We all have weaknesses, and as much as the betrayed feel holier than thou, the right temptation can make you fall. It may not be with cheating, but please acknowledge the failures and transgressions in your own life.
So yeah, it made me angry to hear him say those things to me as if he is perfect. Just because you're perfect at being faithful doesn't mean you're perfect at everything. Those things you're not perfect at, think about that the next time you want to judge.
But I reap what I sow. I know in due time we will both heal. The pain is so fresh. I just want to be with him, but I hurt him so so bad. He didn't deserve it. No one deserves it. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself so I can move on, but I feel like if I don't suffer I will make the same mistake later in life. God help.
Nevertheless, I may never know how he feels. He didn't even put it on the table for us to remain friends. He just hung up. I don't feel like we achieved true closure.
I also feel bad because I'm a little angry with him. I know it's crazy for someone to think how can a cheater be angry, but I'm not a robot. I'm not a demon. If you cut me I will bleed, yada yada yada. So I can be just as angry at this all. Why? Because I was never asked why or how it occurred. I feel like not wanting to understand the other side is selfish. To me, it showed that I wasn't the only one who didn't love unconditionally. I'm not saying he's obligated to stay, but for that alone to be a deal breaker? Even before I cheated I never considered that a deal breaker. My only deal breaker was if my S/O physically or verbally abused me.
I know I did this to us, but to hear him berate me the whole time was like he thought of me as some type of sicko. It really made me aware of all the people I've judged before - first time offenders, crackheads, alcoholics, etc. No one grows up thinking she would do these things. We all have weaknesses, and as much as the betrayed feel holier than thou, the right temptation can make you fall. It may not be with cheating, but please acknowledge the failures and transgressions in your own life.
So yeah, it made me angry to hear him say those things to me as if he is perfect. Just because you're perfect at being faithful doesn't mean you're perfect at everything. Those things you're not perfect at, think about that the next time you want to judge.
But I reap what I sow. I know in due time we will both heal. The pain is so fresh. I just want to be with him, but I hurt him so so bad. He didn't deserve it. No one deserves it. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself so I can move on, but I feel like if I don't suffer I will make the same mistake later in life. God help.
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