DAY 1 - Admittance

I am a selective cumpulisive liar. I believe the root of my lies are from the need to be validated and deep insecurity. 

I have noticed when life does not go my way, I will bottle it up and not tell a soul. Then I will lie about it telling everyone everything is fine. I feel like my problems are burdens that should not be dealt with anyone except myself, so I give it a bandaid fix for the outside world to see and I lie.

The part that hurts me most is I have broken my trust and relationship with my fiance in the proccess. I would also give him my bandaid fixes and I lie. I do not know if I can be forgiven or if I even deserve it. My lies along with my own neglegence blew up in our faces dramatily today causing a re-evaluation of our relationship and where it stands. He left saying he will talk to me when he is ready. He is my bestfriend and not knowing when or if I will talk to him again is what has given me a true reality check on life and coming to the conclusion that this is infact a problem that I need to face. 

These lies have become second nature and are in a way of part of my idenity. Saying that truly terrifies me, but it is my reality.

Excepting this and realizing my "bandaids" are helping no one but in fact hurting the people I love dearly instead. 

These are simple words to type, but putting them into action is the real test. Will I actually be able repair my relationship in the process? I truly hope it is not too late. I have to be willing to realize that it may have cost me love.

I need to fix this addiction before it takes over my world completely.