Darkest before the dawn

I am coming to the end of my free counselling sessions, and I don't think they are enough. Through the work I have done so far, I have remembered incidents that I had blocked out from when I was five. I will say now, this may well contain triggers and I don't want to upset anyone.

When I was little, I was friends with an older boy (I remember his name but won't say it here.) He would often come round to my house, mum and dad liked him ( I was still living with my biological father then, he was only physically abusive, but that is another story.) This boy would like to play together in the wendy house, or in tents made of clothes horses. Mum thought it was all nice make believe games with imagination. In reality, as I have come to realise, it was a little more sinister than that. He would play 'Doctor' with me. And when I started at school, he would take me from the infants playground into the juniors playground, take me behind some thick bushes and make me expose myself to older children. They found it hilarious that I would do what they told me to. I thought it was a game. A teacher caught us together in the toilets, again playing Doctor. It astounds me they didn't tell our parents.
One incident I remember well, I had to get changed as my clothes were wet. I went up to my room and he followed me. I was embarassed as I had to change EVERYTHING and didn't want to take my knickers off in front of him (this was before I started school) he refused to leave until I got changed. I did it because I didn't want to get into trouble.

I can remember him asking another older child if they wanted to "play with me inside or outside my knickers" That phrase haunts me. I feel like I was to blame because although it made me feel uncomfortable, it wasn't entirely unpleasant.

There is a happy ending to this. One day, I threw a rock at his head. A big one. It actually hit him and it split his eyebrow. I got into trouble for it, but I never had to play with him again.