Damage to my body

when things go wrong, the way I deal with them is to harm my body. I've only ever cut once but I do other things to help damage myself. the main things I do is not eat at all and stay up all night so I get no sleep. I do this because I hate myself for who I am and I need someway to teach myself a lesson. it gets so bad I actually make myself sick. my eating definitely the worst. last year it got so bad i very nearly put myself in hospital because i was so weak. and no one knew it was happening. this is my confession. i do it to lose weight. i hate the way my body is. I'm in a lot of pain anyway because of my scoliosis, but I feel kinda more relaxed because all I do is lie and think and it keeps my back supported. I don't wanna live like this but I can only blame myself when things go wrong. it's normally always my own fault and I have to deal with how stupid I am.