Damage control..

So maybe this is the first time I will be admitting this but..

I am an alcoholic..

Maybe I don’t drink every single day. Maybe when you look at me I don’t look like an alcoholic. But I am. I drink to suppress the pain I’ve felt inside since I was 12 years old. I drink because it numbs me and makes me feel good. Those wonderful feelings last until I get really drunk and then the pain comes back ten times worse. I drink because I’ve been exposed to really bad shit as a kid, was sexually assaulted and raped three times in my 20’s. I’ve done really risky things while I drank--self harmed, drunk texted, fought, tried to kill myself, the list goes on. I turn into a completely different person. I may not be an angry or volatile drunk, but I’m not a happy one either. 9 out of 10 times I will cry, I will bring up the messed up things I went through and I will do something stupid. I gravitate towards people who share the same trauma because it’s easier to act out in front of them. When I do it in front of people who actually care about me it makes me feel guilty when the alcohol wears off. These are a few of the reasons why I am an alcoholic. It took me thirteen years to realize that I have a problem. And, yes, maybe I should have gotten help years ago. Maybe my parents should have saw me acting out and begging for help, but there is no point dwelling on it now. I have to get help or else I may not get a second chance.

I saw my new psychiatrist today. She’s treating me for anxiety, depression and PTSD. I am also going to be treated for alcoholism but she says we are going to address that later. I spoke to my dad afterwards and we talked a little bit about what happened the other night. I decided (after saying I was going to quit drinking) to go to a party. I swore up and down I wasn’t going to drink but five minutes into the party I got a beer. I took shots, I drank, I danced, I fought my fear and talked to the gorgeous guitarist that played that night and he actually admitted that he liked me. We all went to the bar afterwards and I got more trashed. I drank on my meds. I made my friend (who graciously walked me home) buy me two more tall cans of beer so I can finish drinking at home. Apparently when I got home, I face-planted and my mom found me on the floor. Somehow we ended up in my room and she told me she got rid of the box cutter she found and I guess I flipped out. I don’t really remember much of our conversation but it must have been bad because she was crying and said she was calling my dad. My dad showed up. (I was drinking my beers the entire time) Things got out of hand, there were yelling and crying and everyone in my house heard, including my little sister. The entire night was just a wreck. It’s been three days and I still feel guilty about everything. My dad is being really supportive even though I pretty much broke his heart. My mom, although I know she cares, is acting really cold towards me. My sister hasn’t spoken to me since the incident and I know that is because she is scared and confused. I just.. I don’t know how to fix this. I texted my sister and asked her if she wanted to go for ice cream so we can talk. She is an extremely intelligent kid and I know she will understand what is going on, I just want her to know that none of this is her fault and I just need help. She knows alcohol is bad and I know she hates that I drink as well as my mom. I feel like I have been failing her as a sister.

I am a completely different person when I drink. I know that I need help and I will do whatever I need to do in order to fix this problem. I just don’t want anyone to give up on me or look at me differently. My parents want to go to therapy with me to talk in detail about the things I went through, but how can I look them in the eyes and tell them? How can I tell them all of the things that were done to me AS WELL as the things that I have done to myself? How can I tell them about the rapes that wouldn’t have occurred if I wasn’t so drunk? How can I tell them that my sister is the reason for me living but I’ve self harmed on and off since I was sixteen? There are so many things I want to come clean about but I don’t want to deal with what happens when I do. My head is so confused and all I want to do is sleep. I just feel like a complete failure. This is my fault, and I’m not sure how to come back from this.

Is this what it feels like to hit rock bottom?