daily thoughts
I had meant to post daily positive thoughts, but have been "under the weather" the last 2 weeks, so just haven't gotten around to it. First, the flu...then it hung on for the last 2 weeks making me tired and weak. Finally starting to feel better, but need to start walking and using my weights to get my strength back.
I guess my main positive thought for the day is it appears SPRING is finally here and in the Midwest, it is what we live for! (At least I do!) The sun and warmer weather just brings a lightness to everyone and it's SUCH a good feeling.
This has been somewhat of a difficult week with dh and I not agreeing on money. He is Mr. Practical and I am...but, also believe in living for today. I love to travel and he doesn't like to spend money on travel. He lost his job a year and a half ago and was unemployed for 5 weeks, so now it's like he lives in fear of not having enough if he were to lose his new job. I understand it, but also can't live my life in fear of the "what if". I did that in my first marriage...always lived in fear that my ex would eventually leave me (which he did). I don't want that now. At age 55, I told dh the clock is ticking and there are places I've dreamed of going and haven't done it yet. The day will come we will get too old or not healthy enough, but I think he doesn't care if we do it all. He travels for his job, so is definitely happy staying home more than I am. I work in a small office and need a change of scenery every now and then. We got mad at each other the other night and ended up emailing each other our thoughts. He gets angry so easily when we disagree that emailing is better for us. It gives us both time to absorb what the other has said and then try to work it out. I admit now that I was once again drawn to someone very different than myself and it takes WORK, but, I know it's worth it. At our age we appreciate the other person just being there at the end of the day and someone to share our life with.
I guess my main positive thought for the day is it appears SPRING is finally here and in the Midwest, it is what we live for! (At least I do!) The sun and warmer weather just brings a lightness to everyone and it's SUCH a good feeling.
This has been somewhat of a difficult week with dh and I not agreeing on money. He is Mr. Practical and I am...but, also believe in living for today. I love to travel and he doesn't like to spend money on travel. He lost his job a year and a half ago and was unemployed for 5 weeks, so now it's like he lives in fear of not having enough if he were to lose his new job. I understand it, but also can't live my life in fear of the "what if". I did that in my first marriage...always lived in fear that my ex would eventually leave me (which he did). I don't want that now. At age 55, I told dh the clock is ticking and there are places I've dreamed of going and haven't done it yet. The day will come we will get too old or not healthy enough, but I think he doesn't care if we do it all. He travels for his job, so is definitely happy staying home more than I am. I work in a small office and need a change of scenery every now and then. We got mad at each other the other night and ended up emailing each other our thoughts. He gets angry so easily when we disagree that emailing is better for us. It gives us both time to absorb what the other has said and then try to work it out. I admit now that I was once again drawn to someone very different than myself and it takes WORK, but, I know it's worth it. At our age we appreciate the other person just being there at the end of the day and someone to share our life with.
Replies
My Dh and I just went through a difficult couple of days also, so I feel i can relate. We came out on the other side feeling we knew each other better and could be even kinder to each other than before. I didn\'t realize how worried he had been about me, and he didn\'t realize how frightened I was of being considered, much less being, mentally ill. I could use my imagination and say your conflict represents two very human fears. Using some imagination, I could say you maybe fear the death of your adventurous spirt, shut down by ill health or old age. Seeing things in my own head, I could guess he feels being left without creature comforts or being dependent on you for medical care and other things. The part that brought my Dh and me back into loving connection was seeing how deep the fears of the other was. He loves me and doesn\'t see me as anything like mentally ill but does worry because I cry a lot. I love him and don\'t want to worry him with my tears and pain nearly as much from now on, but he assures me I don\'t have to stifle myself either. That\'s why I am so glad to have this site right now. Thank you for your journal entry. Anyway, if you and your DH can express to each to each other how deep your fears of losing your values of adventure and security or whatever they are, and, even more importantly, if you can assure each other you understand the other\'s deep values and will help assure each other of his security and of your time for your adventurous spirit, possibly this will actually make you closer and happier. When my dh saw I really, really understood his worries for me (and wasn\'t just bitter about his worries or pooh-poohing them), and I could tell he really, really understood my fear that he thought I was mentally ill, we each felt heard and understood. I hope it was okay to say these things to you. They are said with love and concern.
Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it. I do wish dh and I could communicate face-to-face like you and your dh do, but, unfortunately, dh is a very stubborn man who feels he is always right. :( I absolutely DO understand HIS fears, but HE doesn\'t understand MINE and said in his email that in order to have the kind of retirement we want, that basically we have to put travel on hold as our decisions we make today will impact our future. I know that\'s true, but, again...I feel the clock is ticking...especially in light of dh\'s past health history. Anyway, I told my MIL that her son is his father reincarnate. My MIL often complains about her husband and I told her everything SHE\'S going through to know I am, too. I didn\'t realize when I married dh that he was going to fight me on so many things. It wasn\'t until we were married and had mixed money that his true self came out in all this. He is quick to get angry if I disagree with him, hence...the emails. He hasn\'t mentioned the last one I sent, but he said something this weekend that made me think. Without going into detail, I got angry at him about something he did and he said, \"I\'m 53 years old and don\'t need anyone\'s permission to ...\". I told him \"Hmmm...I\'ll remember that because then neither do I.\" I remember 2 years ago I wanted a cat and he was truly a cat hater. I knew I was risking divorce over getting one, but did it anyway. We HAD had conversations about it for 2 months...me telling HIM that I\'d always been a cat lover and that HE was keeping me from something that made me truly happy. I truly believed he didn\'t care and just feels it\'s HIS way or the highway. I wanted separate checking accounts when we got married since we both had young adult children who were still semi-dependent on us, but he said unless we had joint, we wouldn\'t be married, so I caved on that one. I know now I shouldn\'t have because we have had more fights than I can count over each of us \"helping\" our children. So, as for travel, I told him in an email that I wanted to open up a JOINT savings account exclusively for travel and fund it out of MY paycheck. I told him when he could discuss this calmly and lovingly, then let me know as I want to implement my plan in the near future. He has said not a word. I hate the thought of making him angry and doing it anyway like I did with the cat (which he fell in love with immediately), but he\'s so stubborn and yes...somewhat controlling. As I said, he comes by it naturally as his father is the same way. It\'s so hard because we DO love each other dearly, but his inability to communicate in a calm and rationale manner makes it difficult. :(
As for being \"mentally ill\", I think that term is thrown about too loosely these days, but am glad you and your dh were able to talk and come out even better than before. As for the crying, I took Zoloft during my divorce and it helped ALOT. My mother has also had times in her life where she would cry a lot and finally got put on anti-depressants which helped her as well. It\'s not a weakness to take medication (at least I don\'t think so). I think it\'s the strong ones who admit they need help...whether it\'s medication and/or counseling. I used both and got through it. What you\'re going through is really hard. We all need a little help from time to time, but truly...it\'s GOD that has brought me through the really hard times. Without HIM, I may not even be here. (Yes...I actually had hoped I\'d die during my divorce because the pain was so great.)
I really appreciate your responses and these boards as well. Take care and God bless.