Daily struggle

It's a daily struggle to find the positive perspective. We are stuck. She doesn't want to go back to couples therapy. The first itme she says she always was made out to be the bad person. I am willing to take responsibility for my short falls. It's hard not to bring up the affair. From my perspective it is by far the ultimate betrayal. The thoughts consume me hour after hour. It was not my choice to seek out another person share intimate thoughts and details. While I was not always pleased with a certain choice she made I never once sought out another female to fill the void.