dads birthday
Well, it was Dads birthday. First without him. We were going to the grave but Mom had referred to me as an idiot on the phone and belittled me other ways. I just finished dinner and went downstairs.
She said to me, "your feeling arent hurt are they".. This was rhetorical question followed by "you shouldnt be"... Obviously , she has no responsibility for her actions.
She has been like this always. It is just now worse and I use to escape really awful remarks. Dad got them. And gave them. He was worse. They were well suited.
So, I leaned two things. One is that my Mom called me a loser most of my life in words that described one, but didnt name it. So, it was how the low self esteem came along when I was in late 20's. 'The other thing is "should" do this or that. Defining my boundries in this case. Judging me even. Nothing constructive or supportive.
What you gotta know is that I had a ton of therapy. It works today in getting me to get away from my Mom and not become involved in her scenarios long enough to have this ill behavior. The other is that I recognize where some of my triggers developed. Glad for the connection but now finding it very distructive. And boring at the same time. Like hearing a TV whine in the background all day when you have a headache.
Now I have to figure out what to do about getting something to calm her down. Or let her just be and do my own thing as much as possible.
I suppose it is lucky that mom can do so much to care for herself. She will never live in a facility. No matter what. It was made very clear in her directive. That is why I am here. It must threaten her on some level to have lost her husband, gone through all the arrangements and months of straightening out banks, etc.. Then I move in to keep her from being alone. She is afraid of the dark. And probably someone coming into the house. So, all of this a reminder that she is now in the last part of her life. However long that is. If she knew the date and how, it would be easier so she could plan it too.
Well, that was a nice venting and update. It really is not concluded but this thing with my Mom wont be. I tried. A lot and hard. Not working.
Well, thanks for reading to those who have. I need a place to let it all out and this s it.
Comments are always welcome.
She said to me, "your feeling arent hurt are they".. This was rhetorical question followed by "you shouldnt be"... Obviously , she has no responsibility for her actions.
She has been like this always. It is just now worse and I use to escape really awful remarks. Dad got them. And gave them. He was worse. They were well suited.
So, I leaned two things. One is that my Mom called me a loser most of my life in words that described one, but didnt name it. So, it was how the low self esteem came along when I was in late 20's. 'The other thing is "should" do this or that. Defining my boundries in this case. Judging me even. Nothing constructive or supportive.
What you gotta know is that I had a ton of therapy. It works today in getting me to get away from my Mom and not become involved in her scenarios long enough to have this ill behavior. The other is that I recognize where some of my triggers developed. Glad for the connection but now finding it very distructive. And boring at the same time. Like hearing a TV whine in the background all day when you have a headache.
Now I have to figure out what to do about getting something to calm her down. Or let her just be and do my own thing as much as possible.
I suppose it is lucky that mom can do so much to care for herself. She will never live in a facility. No matter what. It was made very clear in her directive. That is why I am here. It must threaten her on some level to have lost her husband, gone through all the arrangements and months of straightening out banks, etc.. Then I move in to keep her from being alone. She is afraid of the dark. And probably someone coming into the house. So, all of this a reminder that she is now in the last part of her life. However long that is. If she knew the date and how, it would be easier so she could plan it too.
Well, that was a nice venting and update. It really is not concluded but this thing with my Mom wont be. I tried. A lot and hard. Not working.
Well, thanks for reading to those who have. I need a place to let it all out and this s it.
Comments are always welcome.
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