Dad issues
I'm starting to feel sad. I didn't see my dad this weekend- made a conscious decision not to do so. I understand now what an absolutely debilitating effect he has had on my life. There is absolutely no way to live a happy and healthy life and see him on Sundays. So I won't do it. I won't go there on Sundays anymore.
He called me today ranting and raving about my aunt (not technically my aunt since there was no marriage) Let's call her B. She was with my Uncle P when he was alive. Mind you, P was a drug addict, compulsive pathological liar, stole from everyone in my family- including my Grandma. I have found forgiveness for my Uncle since his death several months ago. But there is no questioning that the man did horrible things while he was alive. About 5 or so years ago he moved to Virginia. My Aunt B had moved there first with my cousin and their fam. Now mind you- we're in NY or MASS- B was there with him. So whatever issues we all faced- she faced it SO MUCH worse. P was a hurricane that rushed through her life and destroyed everything in it's path. When she was with him her and I had a really close relationship. She has also had battles with drug addiction. She has ODd, lost jobs b/c of it, etc. She ain't perfect. I know there were times where she lied and scammed right along with him. None that I know of- but I know there were times- there has to be.
Mind you- I have never gotten a phone call from this woman asking for money. Never. Not in all the years I've known her. My family is full of people in extreme levels of denail about who my uncle was when he was alive. My grandma and dad both don't acknowledge that he was a junkie. My grandma won't acknowledge that he ever did anything wrong- EVER. Even though the one who got ripped off the absolute most was her. Also- she would lie and cheat to get him that money. She lied to my dad, me, and everyone else she had to b/c we all tried desperately to protect her from my uncle- and protect her from herself.
So Aunt B calls this morning asking for money for an electric bill. Now- I'm broke, so I told her that. We hung up. But before she did she told me she asked my Grandma. That affected me. My grandma doesn't like her- she knows that. She had to be beyond low to call her. So I started to think- maybe the utility company takes credit cards. Called her up again- paid the bill for her. She gets the money in 3 days and offered to western union the money to me if i needed it sooner then the mail would get it to me. Now here's what I faced- she might stiff me. So what? It's $300 dollars. I'm in horrific amounts of debt- $300 won't make or break me. Also- I called and paid the bill. I was definitely paying an electric bill- if she was scamming me then she would have asked to pay the bill. I feel pretty good that I wasn't being scammed and I feel even better that I was able to make sure she and her family (including my cousin) had lights until Friday. I felt awesome about it. She told me I restored her faith in humanity. That was great. You could tell in her voice how much she hated to ask. I love helping people, so I felt really good about that.
So my dad calls me today and I wasn't prepared. I knew that call was coming. I should have been prepared with a lie. But I wasn't. He asked if she called me. I told him yes and that she asked about the weather. It was super obvious that I was lying- he knew it and so did I. Anyway- he thinks I sent her the money. I told him I wasn't going to answer the question as to whether I did or not. But he thinks I did.
So here's what pisses me off. He said that he's mad that she asked my grandma for the money. He said "She pissed on P while he was alive and now she asks my mother for money when he's dead." Mind you- P has stolen from her, beat her, ruined her life- and my dad still views it like she "pissed on him." Also, it should be mentioned that she was the go to person for my entire family when they had issues with P. She could have hung up the phone. She had no ties to us. But she never did. She took every fucking stupid question we had and provided us with as much information as possible. No one in this family apprecaites shit. Ever.
I attempted to argue with him. Not a good choice. I brought up Ps drug use. I could hear in his voice that he was drunk. When I brought up the drug use he said- like he always does- "I don't know about that." Beleive me when I tell you- ANY IDIOT COULD HAVE FIGURED OUT MY UNCLE WAS A JUNKIE. ANYONE at all. It was not rocket science. Anyway- we started yelling back and forth and I realized I was in my office. Told him so and hung up. Not in a nasty way. I just told him I was yelling at my office and that was not cool so I had to go. We hung up.
I like when he says that "I don't know about that." Every fucking time I've told him about something involving me and another person where that person had done me wrong he responds with "I don't know about that." It will go like this: "Dad, I can't stand X b/c X did Y to me." He'll be like "Well I don't know anything about that." That's a bullshit fucking lie- I had just told him the entire story- in detail- and this prick would say that- like he just fucking assumed that whatever came out of my mouth wasn't accurate. He just automatically took the other person's side. Every fucking time. The first thing he has done every fucking time I told him anything involving someone else was to tell me how I was wrong. THE FIRST. I promise- nothing came out of his mouth before he told me how wrong and stupid and rediculous I was for feeling whatever it was I felt at that exact moment. He would explain why the other person did what they did and why they were right and I was wrong. Awesome. I wonder why I'm fucking insane? I wonder why I am attracted to sociopaths? Hmmmm, why is that? Oh yes- b/c my fathers the biggest fucking psycho there is and he kindly passed down his disfunction to me. Thanks Dad!
You know why I started this letter off with "I feel sad?" B/c I didn't engage with him earlier. He started his shit and I just hung up. I did the absolute right thing but I don't feel like it. I feel horrible. I feel his pain. I am feeling his pain. I'm scared to not be there for him. But I can't be there for him and be healthy at the same time. I'm so scared though. Scared he's going to die feeling unloved and scared that if I don't give up my life for him- it will be my fault. I know all of this is not reality. But it feels realer than anything I've ever felt. The fear is real. I fight feeling selfish when I do anything good for myself at all. I'm a fucking mess and now i have other people's lives in my hands. I can't be a mess. I deserve to not be a mess. I deserve to have good things. I hope I start to believe that soon. This is really fucking hard.
He called me today ranting and raving about my aunt (not technically my aunt since there was no marriage) Let's call her B. She was with my Uncle P when he was alive. Mind you, P was a drug addict, compulsive pathological liar, stole from everyone in my family- including my Grandma. I have found forgiveness for my Uncle since his death several months ago. But there is no questioning that the man did horrible things while he was alive. About 5 or so years ago he moved to Virginia. My Aunt B had moved there first with my cousin and their fam. Now mind you- we're in NY or MASS- B was there with him. So whatever issues we all faced- she faced it SO MUCH worse. P was a hurricane that rushed through her life and destroyed everything in it's path. When she was with him her and I had a really close relationship. She has also had battles with drug addiction. She has ODd, lost jobs b/c of it, etc. She ain't perfect. I know there were times where she lied and scammed right along with him. None that I know of- but I know there were times- there has to be.
Mind you- I have never gotten a phone call from this woman asking for money. Never. Not in all the years I've known her. My family is full of people in extreme levels of denail about who my uncle was when he was alive. My grandma and dad both don't acknowledge that he was a junkie. My grandma won't acknowledge that he ever did anything wrong- EVER. Even though the one who got ripped off the absolute most was her. Also- she would lie and cheat to get him that money. She lied to my dad, me, and everyone else she had to b/c we all tried desperately to protect her from my uncle- and protect her from herself.
So Aunt B calls this morning asking for money for an electric bill. Now- I'm broke, so I told her that. We hung up. But before she did she told me she asked my Grandma. That affected me. My grandma doesn't like her- she knows that. She had to be beyond low to call her. So I started to think- maybe the utility company takes credit cards. Called her up again- paid the bill for her. She gets the money in 3 days and offered to western union the money to me if i needed it sooner then the mail would get it to me. Now here's what I faced- she might stiff me. So what? It's $300 dollars. I'm in horrific amounts of debt- $300 won't make or break me. Also- I called and paid the bill. I was definitely paying an electric bill- if she was scamming me then she would have asked to pay the bill. I feel pretty good that I wasn't being scammed and I feel even better that I was able to make sure she and her family (including my cousin) had lights until Friday. I felt awesome about it. She told me I restored her faith in humanity. That was great. You could tell in her voice how much she hated to ask. I love helping people, so I felt really good about that.
So my dad calls me today and I wasn't prepared. I knew that call was coming. I should have been prepared with a lie. But I wasn't. He asked if she called me. I told him yes and that she asked about the weather. It was super obvious that I was lying- he knew it and so did I. Anyway- he thinks I sent her the money. I told him I wasn't going to answer the question as to whether I did or not. But he thinks I did.
So here's what pisses me off. He said that he's mad that she asked my grandma for the money. He said "She pissed on P while he was alive and now she asks my mother for money when he's dead." Mind you- P has stolen from her, beat her, ruined her life- and my dad still views it like she "pissed on him." Also, it should be mentioned that she was the go to person for my entire family when they had issues with P. She could have hung up the phone. She had no ties to us. But she never did. She took every fucking stupid question we had and provided us with as much information as possible. No one in this family apprecaites shit. Ever.
I attempted to argue with him. Not a good choice. I brought up Ps drug use. I could hear in his voice that he was drunk. When I brought up the drug use he said- like he always does- "I don't know about that." Beleive me when I tell you- ANY IDIOT COULD HAVE FIGURED OUT MY UNCLE WAS A JUNKIE. ANYONE at all. It was not rocket science. Anyway- we started yelling back and forth and I realized I was in my office. Told him so and hung up. Not in a nasty way. I just told him I was yelling at my office and that was not cool so I had to go. We hung up.
I like when he says that "I don't know about that." Every fucking time I've told him about something involving me and another person where that person had done me wrong he responds with "I don't know about that." It will go like this: "Dad, I can't stand X b/c X did Y to me." He'll be like "Well I don't know anything about that." That's a bullshit fucking lie- I had just told him the entire story- in detail- and this prick would say that- like he just fucking assumed that whatever came out of my mouth wasn't accurate. He just automatically took the other person's side. Every fucking time. The first thing he has done every fucking time I told him anything involving someone else was to tell me how I was wrong. THE FIRST. I promise- nothing came out of his mouth before he told me how wrong and stupid and rediculous I was for feeling whatever it was I felt at that exact moment. He would explain why the other person did what they did and why they were right and I was wrong. Awesome. I wonder why I'm fucking insane? I wonder why I am attracted to sociopaths? Hmmmm, why is that? Oh yes- b/c my fathers the biggest fucking psycho there is and he kindly passed down his disfunction to me. Thanks Dad!
You know why I started this letter off with "I feel sad?" B/c I didn't engage with him earlier. He started his shit and I just hung up. I did the absolute right thing but I don't feel like it. I feel horrible. I feel his pain. I am feeling his pain. I'm scared to not be there for him. But I can't be there for him and be healthy at the same time. I'm so scared though. Scared he's going to die feeling unloved and scared that if I don't give up my life for him- it will be my fault. I know all of this is not reality. But it feels realer than anything I've ever felt. The fear is real. I fight feeling selfish when I do anything good for myself at all. I'm a fucking mess and now i have other people's lives in my hands. I can't be a mess. I deserve to not be a mess. I deserve to have good things. I hope I start to believe that soon. This is really fucking hard.
Replies
I hear that! Funny thing about codependency, it\'s very, very real for the codependent, and it\'s very, very painful. We run around trying to save our families from themselves out of some distorted sense of love, so maybe, just maybe one day we\'ll be appreciated and they\'ll \"know\" how hard we\'ve tried, but it hardly works out that way, does it?
What if you knew you were being used? What if you knew that once they ruffled your feather\'s for their own relief only to dump their guilt, anger, and anything else they can blame on you, and were just fine the second that phone hung up? Would you be willing to keep taking all that on? Or would you be pissed and say, \"I\'m done\"?
Being \"done\" doesn\'t mean totally disengaging, it just means that you will expect nothing less than proper treatment from the other person - including how they talk to you. If they can\'t do that, then you relieve yourself of their burdens and carry on, sparing yourself the crazy making. Pretty soon they\'re behavior will change if they want to maintain contact, which they will.
Give him back his stuff, it\'s not yours, and it never was, he just wants you to think it is, so he doesn\'t have to deal. Would he do the same for you? Not likely from what I\'ve read.
It takes tons of practice and patience with yourself, but it can be done. Hope you feel better hun, you do deserve better.
Wow, that\'s a really great way of seeing it. Thank you for that suggestion. I will put it into use. Since the day I\'ve wrote this I have faltered a few times- but I\'ve done infintely better than before at keeping my boundaries with him. Yesterday I went over tthere to take my grandma shopping. I was in a sun dress- of course he makes a comment- he always has to make some comment about the way that I look when I see him. He\'s a rude asshole that way. Anyway- he says \"Well, don\'t you look liesurely\" which was his way of telling me I look bummy without actually saying it. I responded \"Of course I do, why the hell wouldn\'t I? I\'m not like you- I don\'t feel the need to punish myself and make myself feel pain.\" I said this b/c he is overweight and refuses to buy himself clothes that actually fit- instead he wears clothes that are too tight and make him feel horrible all day. So he responded \"No pain no gain\" and I responded \"Yeah, I can see how great that theory is working for you.\" He asked me to repeat myself and I declined. He\'s such a negative prick. I find myself saying anything I have to to get out of his presence. It\'s unfortunate b/c I\'d love to be able to help him but I realize now that there is absolutely no way to do that without hurting myself. Not until he makes up his mind that he wants to change. I\'m not holding my breath any longer for that one.
Thanks for taking the time to read my journals :) You are appreciated.
Anyway- Thanks