Day 4

   Last night was a lot better sleeping. Still woke up some, but overall it was restful. Before going to bed, I was talking with a freind of mine, whose mother is dyeing. It made me so sad. I cried about it after. This freind is a special freind to me. She has her disabilities, but has always encouraged me, and loved me. It seemed so wrong for such a good person, especially at this time of year. I felt so helpless to do anything. What can you say? I tried telling her about my mother, but I knew nothing I said would do anything. It's just something you need to go through. I started getting mad at God, but I know I don't understand his ways, and I have to accept it. It is sad though. This person has always been there with a kind word. Made me smile lots of times when things seemed wrong. Sometimes when I was beeing an asshole and using I ignored her too. I hate what the selfishness of addiction does to me. Makes me do all the things I know are wrong, and not be the person God meant me to be. Hopefully I can hang on to things this time, and be that person. That's all I ever really wanted to be, a good person. Anyway, I'm going to the noon meeting today. Not sure about tonight. Shit, now I have to try to be in bed about 8pm. Need to do stuff so I can sleep good. I'm going over to the Sobriety Center after the meeting. Dillon said he would leave some tapes out for me to watch. That's good. Well, at least were all doing good here. Jimmy is eating lots, and so are we. Tim and I talk good when we want. I don't openly bring up the stuff I know he's into. I wouldn't want to embaress him that way, but I do want to let him know that it's wrong. Pornography is one thing I am very against. A lot of those woman you see are either made to do things for drugs, or their being raped. It's a bad bussiness. When you buy that shit, your paying the person that's doing the rapeing. I used to watch it when I was younger, but still always knew it was wrong. I don't use my computer for it, and I don't want it around me. With Tim, I express my views with the hope that he will see it for what it is. That's about all I can do. What he does after is his bussiness. Unless I change more on that. I still don't like the fact that it's in my place.