Day 3

  Well, today is going alright, accept I'm getting up too early. Would have liked to sleep in, but woke up about 5am. took two baths, tried to sleep, ended up getting the chicken out of the freezer. Deboned it and marinated the meat. Made potatoe soup, then went to see Dillon. Still getting after shocks abit, but I think it's my nerves comming back to life. Been awhile that they've been numbed out, so that's to be expected. My apetite is back. Yesterday at work I ate lunch for the first time. Trying to make it healthy there. We have a salad bar at work so I can eat all the good stuff I don't have at home. Bought a pound of ground beef last night and made monster hamburgers for me and Jimmy. He loved it. I had another this morning, and a couple slices of pizza last night. The talk with Dillon was good this morning. He opens up about himself too, and his own addictions. After awhile we got talking about my family abit. That got a lump in my throat. I know there's a lot of hurt there. I told him about my mother and her dyeing the day after my marriage. I know there's a lot of hurt about her. I talked about my brother that died too, and how I still feel bad about the way I treated him. We talked about my father too. With that there's some mixed things. I loved him very much, but feel anger because I never could get a hug from him, or any affection. I don't blame him because I just don't think he knew how to show those things. Anyway, I didn't cry, although I could feel it. I know it's going to come out when we do the work. Dillon knew too. He said in a little while, he going to take me through things. I do want to go through it. I know it's going to be hard crying in front of Dillon, but all that hurt has to come out. I know it's been there for years. Anyway, I want to do whatever I need to do. I just can't go on this way anymore. I feel like I'm at the point that either things work now, or they never will, and I'll be damned if I'm going to live an alcoholic life, or a life as an addict. Those just aren't worth living for. Nothing but missery there, and no love. I think I would rather just take one big dose and go to sleep than to live the rest of my days like that. Anyway, I think I have a chance. All I want is to be happy, and quit fighting. God, can ya do that? Thanks.