Day 2

  Well, feeling the loneliness today. The other day I came home to find the apartment empty. G had packed up what she wanted and left. It was a real shock, but something that I had a gut feeling that was going to happen. After the initial shock I was left with mixed emotions. We had kissed that morning and said we loved each other, but now I was questioning everything that we had said or done together. I knew she wanted to go and visit her daughter and grandchild, and that was perfectly alright with me and I had told her so many times. But to just up and leave like this was really mind boggling. I had tried to cover every fear that I thought she might have had so that we could be open and honest about everything. I really don't understand this. It does hurt me very much. I truly gave my love to her because I trusted that we would try to work through things together. I don't think I ever gave her a reason to not tell me in advance about anything like this. When we first started this relationship I truly commited myself to it, but it seems now that I am realizing that she didn't. I feel betrayed. I can forgive that easily. I understand that some people still live by the almighty, "Emotions." If I feel it, it must be true. I have been using my God through this, and not letting my emotions controle things. I have looked at all the wonderful things that have happened since I met her. I look at the beutiful place I have to live in now, the furniture, the food in the fridge, the clothes in the closets and dressers. Compared to six months ago, I had nothing. Only a room, the size of a jail cell. I was so lonely. There seemed to be nothing to look foreward to in life, but then I met G. I truly never intended on a relationship when I started to chat with her. Things just seemed to take shape on their own. Eventually I came to beleive that God brought her into my life for a reason. Inspite of gut feelings and intuition, I felt that God had brought us together to comfort and help each other. I truly tried my best to fullfill that while she was here. Almost everything I did was with the beleife and thoughts of us living happily together. I can never remember a time in my life where I have been more unselfish with things. I truly wanted to mke for us a happy life. Whatever needed to be done, I was willing. I don't think I said no to anything. If I thought it would make things better for us, I was willing. It was like my life didn't matter anymore. It was a good feeling. To not want for anything, but a love one to be happy is indiscribable. There were nights when I would feel so content, that the only place that could be better would be heaven. What happened? I tried my best to be honest, even when I was scared she would worry about it. It's what she said she wanted. I really tried. I have to leave it with God now. There's nothing I can do. I need to be strong and try to keep myself alright. Thank God little Jimmy is here. He seems to be my only source of love right now. I know God's with me to, but it's nice to hear Jimmy purr when I hold him. I know he loves me and wants me to hold on. I'll try.