Cut.... yet again
WARNING: For those of you who don't self injure this may seem weird to you. And most importantly to those of you who do self-injure it may be TRIGGERING. Many of you from the SI board probably know most of my story, but I started cutting two years ago and basically have been trying to stop ever since. But those of you who know about SI know that it is like alcohol. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You still get the urges. Anyway, I got home from church today which always makes me angry anyway. I don't remember what happened, but my mom said something to me. She wasn't looking at me because she was cooking, so I grabbed the scissors and cut my wrist really fast. I didn't want it to bleed. I just wanted to scratch myself. But when I looked down it had already started bleeding. It was already bleeding more than it usually does so I ran into the bathroom. I wrote "I hate me" on the bathroom floor with the blood before I tried to clean the cut up. I have had stories like this before, none of which have been this weird. People keep telling me that it's ok to make mistakes but I make them all the time. I don't know what I want people to say. I guess I just want people to reply if you have the time. Thanks.
Replies
yeah you\'re right cutting is just like an addiction. i\'ve been at this game for 6 years and even when i didn\'t so it it was still there in the back of my head. You\'re only human so you will make mistakes. TRY not to be too hard on yourself. Try to think of ways to stop and distractions. Good luck
It\'s also like an addiction in that your tolerance builds and you need more and more to get the same effect. I cut myself bad enough to put in the hospital, there was blood everywhere, and my husband was scared to death. The worst part is that I don\'t remember the actual cutting. That is when I really got serious about getting better. It\'s always darkest before the dawn.
From being in treatment I know that one of the first steps is for you to NOT beat yourself up over this. It just feeds the cycle. It sounds really difficult, but if you can accept the cutting as being a part of you, it will help. It\'s not giving in exactly, but it\'s not fighting who you are. Accepting that you are who you are and that is not a bad thing. You don\'t need to hurt yourself. Trust me, I\'ve been working really hard at this and I still don\'t feel it 100% of the time. But I am so much better now, and I am still the same person. I just don\'t quite hate myself as much.
Hang in there. Keep talking to people. We all support you.
Thank you both for your comments =]
I really appreciate that you took the time to write. You both gave very valid opinions and advice.
yes i agree it is a addiction, and yes at times we do have re-lapses but the important thing is tht we come back from these set backs and we continue to try. Try to use this as motivation now, to go longer without si, maybe you could try and keep a ds goal of how many days you\'ve been si free, watch the days mount up and feel really proud of yourself knowing that you have done tht!
xXx
I don\'t know if I should reply. I really don\'t understand cutting at all. I\'ve heard stories and people saying that it helps but it just seems like it creates so many problems. Probably shouldn\'t reply...
the problem with cutting is that at first it is a kind of way to solve the problems however soon it becomes the problem!
BeckieC is right. Its is an addiction. Im getiing off slef injury slowly and i feel better. Hun I know what your feeling. But as you back off of SI you see how useless it is. Know i know, every time some used to say this to me id get pissed off, but it is true. And yes ir solves problems at first, but when you get addicted, it is the problem. I stopped, and for good( at least i hope.) 5 Months SI free is good:) Know i have something that maybe could help. What was ur longest periode without SI that you think you can pass that time. Then try to tell yourself okay i have to go longer than ____ SI free. I did this with me and it works. Anyways, i hope i helped. Give me some news! Take care hun
as a person who has had the urges to cut and scratch i say that you should really consider talking to a professional...especially if this is something that has happened after you went to church...there is something underlying your triggers and you have to get to know what your triggers are...be safe and strength...
I found a spiritual approach worked for me to overcome my seemingly hopeless state of mind.Every night i prayed for the obsession to drink to be taken away. .......peace
I cut myself years ago when I was in an abusive relationship. He made me hurt so bad & I didn\'t want to kill myself but I wanted him to know how bad he was hurting me, so i would take the little razors out of a disposable razor & dig as deep as I could stand on my wrists. But never anything close to putting my life in danger ~ I still have scars to this day. At first I think maybe I wanted to draw his attention to my pain, but after I got started I realized I found something relieving, or soothing about it. I think it was just a way of venting when I had no other way of changing things (other than leaving).
At some point I realized I wasn\'t accomplishing anything by doing it & quit. Years later I was in a new relationship that made me feel sad a lot & started doing it again. And then I quit again realizing I really didn\'t want this new person to even know I was doing it.
I don\'t do it anymore, but I\'ve always had tendancies for self destructive behavior ~ right now my only problem is binge drinking which can sometimes leave me in a disabilitated level of depression afterward. Been doing it a lot less, but it would be good if I just gave up drinking entirly.
I think the abusive situations I\'ve been in in my live have created some level of self loathing. I\'m working very hard at learning to like myself & be good to myself. If I won\'t respect myself & be kind to myself, how the hell can I expect anyone else to??? It\'s tough & I\'m still stumbling through, but I\'m determined ~ when it comes right down to it, nothing in life is more important than our health and happiness & we as individuals are each entirely responsible for our own :)
I am not going to read your journal bec it might be too upsetting for me especially as I get to know you.It seems like a very intimate topic. But, I want you to know I did come to your journal as you requested in one of the groups.
Sweetie, you are right, cutting is an addiction, just like smoking. It is one area of our lives that we have complete control over, so logically I see where you are coming from. I have also been a cutter for over 25 years, sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse. Talk to your pdoc and talk to your friends here and try to work your way through it. I wish you luck and send love your way, as well as purrs...know this bad time will NOT last and things WILL get better!
Purrs--Laura
I understand what you says. I sat in the tub crying and cutting tonight. I try so hard not to cut but its so hard. I get so frustrated, or dead inside I just need to feel alive
Thank you very much everyone for all of your comments. :)
keep trying hun u\'ll make it threw this u can always talk to someone on here too remember that.