Crying for Help

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore. My pills don't seem to be working at all. I can't seem to get rid of this pain from my stomach no matter what the doctor tries. And on top of it I just got a $200 dollar cable bill. Guess my "boyfriend" didn't think i'd see all the pay per view porn charges. I'm literally so upset that i'm ready to just start tearing the apartment apart. I put his things back last night, thinking that if he ever did come back we could work things out. Now I don't know if I want to. I really don't deserve this, not saying i'm special or anything but i'd like to catch a break one of these days. I want someone who won't put me through this. It's bad enough I have to deal with him being in jail for something that I don't know if I can ever forget. I feel more lost than I think i've ever been. And living by myself just makes it worse because it's easier to take an extra klonopin or to get a bottle of alcohol, or worse reach for the razor and start cutting again. I don't want to be that person again, but I need some type of relief and nothing is working. I really wonder if God even remembers I exist, no matter how much praying I do, even if it's not for me, it seems to go unanswered. I want to have one day where I don't have to worry and can just be happy. I'm really considering telling my boyfriend that i'm done, i'd feel so bad if I did it and I do love him but I can't cope. I'm just waiting for God to answer me in some way, just to tell me that everything will get better soon. I'm actually pretty worried at what I might do.