crying but still able to laugh

I creid so much yesterday. That same ache from the core of my tried to take me under. I felt it and I fought it.We had a funeral yesterday for a grandparent. It's always sad, always. But this man was special.In the slideshow that they had durring the service, grandpa was holding Levi. There were so many pictures of them together.The song that played with the slideshow went, "Go Rest high on that mountain....son, your work on earth is done....." I just felt like reaching up, I can't explain it any other way. I wanted Levi so much. How unfair it can still feel.Then, there was grandpa, now gone, holding my baby who left before him.I imagine them together in heaven and i can laugh, smile and know that Levi is with Grandpa Jay and my Memaw, who died last year this time.The sadness is that there have been so many who have left us in the last two years, it all began when my mother in law told us that she had cancer. The next day, Levi died. A few months later, our uncle died by way of suicide, a friend shot himself by way of suicide and then memaw and then Grandpa Jay. Just in Two years. Grandparents are very hard to lose, but it is expected. Still, there has been too much loss for our family, for me.I know that they are all like my angels now, waiting patiently for me to come home. And when I see them, my precious levi, i will be in my rest. I can still smile. I can laugh more as time passes. I can live still even though my heart yearns for my son and those that we've lost. I can still love here even though my heart will always yearn too.I can cry and not worry if it's okay to still cry....they're my tears and no one elses.