Cries of the Flesh
I would like to confront an issue that has been on my heart for a while now. It’s about overweight people. I have lived on both sides of the fence, very thin and very heavy. I have the capacity to understand both sides of the spectrum.
I know this post is very lengthy, but please take the time to read it if you are overweight or you know someone who is. I am going to be very transparent for the sake of those who can't.
When I was thin I could not be thin enough. I was obsessed with my weight. That was my #1 issue in my life. I did everything possible back then to control this issue. That includes speed, cocaine, anorexia and over exercise. After all I was a ballet dancer and 5 pounds over my desired weight was simply inexcusable.
Now, I would like to share what I was thinking back then. You can imagine if I was so obsessed with my weight at 95 pounds what do you think my mind was going through when I saw a heavy person? Believe it or not I felt fear. I was so afraid that I would end up like that person. I also felt bad for that person, because they were always a victim of ridicule. I wondered if I felt so disgusted with my 5 pounds over weight, how could I get my head around someone who was obese and so out of control? I really could not understand how that person let themselves get that way. Was it out of laziness, genetics, low self esteem, shame...I was convinced that something drove that person to allow them selves to look that way. I regret this today, but I would actually thank God that I was not that “fat” person.
Now, I find myself on the other side of the fence. Yes, I am very over weight and I know it. Sad is the root of the spiral downward of despair. People who say, “Just do it!” Have no clue at how ignorant they are.They too are fat, but in a different form. They are fat with loathing judgment, criticism, pride, and condemnation. Yet, they are anorexic with compassion and respect for others. Circumstances on life’s journey truly impact a person’s coping skills. We wear the wounds of our history in our flesh more than people realize.
My journey to be over weight did not come over night. It started the day my soul was starved from human kindness. Unaware of this hunger deep inside that was depleted by neglect, shame and a painful rape at the age of four. Little me was so traumatized that my mind could not register it. So, subconsciously it was buried in my mind, body and soul. With each step of my growing years I was the victim to other’s sickening free will. Escape was the only way I knew how to survive these unimaginable realities. So, I developed such an un canny way of dealing with my reality. The more and more trauma’s occurred the more my subconscious became very clever in escaping. I focused on the things I could control and my focus was independently self centered. I thought if I looked good on the outside people would not be able to see the wretched, used and abused, shamed victim on the inside. As I started to grow up all that mattered to me was me. There was nothing that would get in between my drive to be the perfect body. It became the barer between me and my secrets. I was able to control my flesh, but my mind was in chaos. Subconsciously, I compartmentalized fragments of my life safely tucked away from my conscious.
As life went on I married and had children. This was a huge struggle for me, because they demanded my time and energy. I could no longer keep my focus on me and in doing so I started to loose control of my well kept ability in denying my dark secrets.
Memories started flashing before my mind. Dancing was no longer an option nor was any drugs to decrease my physical starvation.The faster the memories came the more I tried to satisfy their insatiable needs to be addressed. I desperately tried to feed my tormented mind, soul, and flesh by over indulging with food and alcohol. I was unaware of the strong division I had created in my mind. There was a cyclical pattern of no way out.
As I rapidly gained weight not only was I desperately trying to stop the memories I had to deal with the shameful critical eyes of this world with their disgust for me, the fat person. In my mind they were right. I was certain it was my fault for having no self control. How true that statement was. I had lost all control. No matter how much I tried nothing could stop the memories in my head, the wounds to my heart and the scares to my flesh. My flesh was screaming out to be cared for and I tried to silence it with food. I became the very thing I feared.
So, the next time you look at a fat person. Please don’t judge them for being overweight. Their body has a language of it’s own. Often times it’s a foreign language not only to you, but most of the time to the person who wears the memories of their past in their flesh. Compassion would ask, “What is there body screaming?” If only you knew would you look at us differently?
©
I know this post is very lengthy, but please take the time to read it if you are overweight or you know someone who is. I am going to be very transparent for the sake of those who can't.
When I was thin I could not be thin enough. I was obsessed with my weight. That was my #1 issue in my life. I did everything possible back then to control this issue. That includes speed, cocaine, anorexia and over exercise. After all I was a ballet dancer and 5 pounds over my desired weight was simply inexcusable.
Now, I would like to share what I was thinking back then. You can imagine if I was so obsessed with my weight at 95 pounds what do you think my mind was going through when I saw a heavy person? Believe it or not I felt fear. I was so afraid that I would end up like that person. I also felt bad for that person, because they were always a victim of ridicule. I wondered if I felt so disgusted with my 5 pounds over weight, how could I get my head around someone who was obese and so out of control? I really could not understand how that person let themselves get that way. Was it out of laziness, genetics, low self esteem, shame...I was convinced that something drove that person to allow them selves to look that way. I regret this today, but I would actually thank God that I was not that “fat” person.
Now, I find myself on the other side of the fence. Yes, I am very over weight and I know it. Sad is the root of the spiral downward of despair. People who say, “Just do it!” Have no clue at how ignorant they are.They too are fat, but in a different form. They are fat with loathing judgment, criticism, pride, and condemnation. Yet, they are anorexic with compassion and respect for others. Circumstances on life’s journey truly impact a person’s coping skills. We wear the wounds of our history in our flesh more than people realize.
My journey to be over weight did not come over night. It started the day my soul was starved from human kindness. Unaware of this hunger deep inside that was depleted by neglect, shame and a painful rape at the age of four. Little me was so traumatized that my mind could not register it. So, subconsciously it was buried in my mind, body and soul. With each step of my growing years I was the victim to other’s sickening free will. Escape was the only way I knew how to survive these unimaginable realities. So, I developed such an un canny way of dealing with my reality. The more and more trauma’s occurred the more my subconscious became very clever in escaping. I focused on the things I could control and my focus was independently self centered. I thought if I looked good on the outside people would not be able to see the wretched, used and abused, shamed victim on the inside. As I started to grow up all that mattered to me was me. There was nothing that would get in between my drive to be the perfect body. It became the barer between me and my secrets. I was able to control my flesh, but my mind was in chaos. Subconsciously, I compartmentalized fragments of my life safely tucked away from my conscious.
As life went on I married and had children. This was a huge struggle for me, because they demanded my time and energy. I could no longer keep my focus on me and in doing so I started to loose control of my well kept ability in denying my dark secrets.
Memories started flashing before my mind. Dancing was no longer an option nor was any drugs to decrease my physical starvation.The faster the memories came the more I tried to satisfy their insatiable needs to be addressed. I desperately tried to feed my tormented mind, soul, and flesh by over indulging with food and alcohol. I was unaware of the strong division I had created in my mind. There was a cyclical pattern of no way out.
As I rapidly gained weight not only was I desperately trying to stop the memories I had to deal with the shameful critical eyes of this world with their disgust for me, the fat person. In my mind they were right. I was certain it was my fault for having no self control. How true that statement was. I had lost all control. No matter how much I tried nothing could stop the memories in my head, the wounds to my heart and the scares to my flesh. My flesh was screaming out to be cared for and I tried to silence it with food. I became the very thing I feared.
So, the next time you look at a fat person. Please don’t judge them for being overweight. Their body has a language of it’s own. Often times it’s a foreign language not only to you, but most of the time to the person who wears the memories of their past in their flesh. Compassion would ask, “What is there body screaming?” If only you knew would you look at us differently?
©
Replies
Thank you so much for writing this... I also was thin and now am overweight... My mind is in such kaos. My eating is out of control. If only people had more compassion, no judgment... hugs to you
Wow, wow, wow. Thank you so, so much for sharing this. I have never been anorexic, at my low weight and feeling still fat I was 122 pounds at 5\' 8\'. But, you expressed and shared such profound experience here, and I can relate so much. I had a babysitter when I was a child and she weighed in excess of 400 pounds. I loved her dearly, she was the most safe kind loving person in my life, and although I had compassion for her, I never wanted to end up in her shoes as far as physical weight and the pain of the stigma of public humiliation. Now, in my 40\'s and at 50, I am experiencing exactly what I had hoped to avoid. But, I was avoiding all those painful dark memories, too. Memories buried alive don\'t die, they eat away at us, and many of us stuff food down unconsciously to numb this. I also think there are a host of other biological emotional energetic processes going on that are attributed to us creating a larger safer container of our bodies to store all this pain until it can be resolved. It is painful to me, so thank you for sharing your journey with me.
I\'ve been on both sides too. I\'ve never been anorexic but I\'ve been think and pretty in my youth. Then in middle aged became overweight. For me I gained weight to hide my sexuality. If I was repulsive to men then no need so a sexuality. I could stay home with my cat and read and eat and eat and eat. There was some comfort in escaping the pain of childhood sex abuse that in turn so deeply confused my adult sexuality. I started to lose weight without thinking about it. My alters were stirring and I was OK with that finally. Younger, deeply injured parts felt safe to rise up and I just found food unimportant one day. I also found out that I had liver disease and my liver as actively scaring up because of fat irritating it. Fearing for my life I lost 30 lbs. Then gained back 5. This summer my diabetes when out of control and I just lost another 15 while eating all the sugar I could find. Now I\'m stable and about 12 lbs over. I love my body. I love my sexuality. I like the taste of food but dancing is just as good. Body size and self image can be completely different as you said. The inner pain and needs of self are a personal choices to relieve the pain and find some peace. I would never judge anyone. But because I had sex abuse issues and gained weight over it, every time a see a very big woman or man I wonder if they were too.
so insightful, and beautifully spoken.