Cried myself to sleep
Last night was the first night in a while I cried myself to sleep. Josh has been heavy on my heart since the clean up on the 16th. This week makes the fourth week that John has been working out of town. That doesn't help. Being home alone just makes me go there to much. It makes me want to hear Josh that much more. To see him come out of his room that much more. Working on seven years and hole in my heart just doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. Yes I have lots of good days but then there are the bad. I am become a pro at hiding the bad. One good thing John will be home tomorrow and we think he does not have to go back. I'm hoping not. The clean up was a great day. There were 30 that showed up to help us. It makes my heart smile, but at the same time it is so draining. Angry on one hand also that we are doing this because Josh should be here with us. I wish you all a Happy Easter.
Replies
I understand, Rhonda. So many emotions. It is a wonderful way that you honor dear Josh with the clean up but you are right; he should be here with you! May your loving mama\'s heart be comforted. Tight hugs, Linda
Kudos to you and the 30 that showed up to clean,,,that is so great....gla d John will be home this weekend,,,love to you and John,,,,
Wow - 30 people! What an amazing son Josh is.
You are doing the best you can do. I think we moms are becoming great actors - Julia Roberts, move over! We smile when we want to cry.
It is draining so give yourself time to decompress - cry, laugh, scream and let it out.
You are right. Josh should be there with you. He is in spirit but I so understand that it isn\'t enough.
I wish you a Happy Easter too.
Love and hugs, Marlene
I hate it when my husband isn\'t home when he is supposed to be home. The clean up was a nice turn out. Lots of people cared about you and him! Yes, it is still hard, some days more than others.
Much love,
Mom of another Josh
Tight heart hugs Rhonda~~ Feeling it all with you~~
Such a testament to Josh to have 30 people, these many years later, willing to put their LOVE in action in such a wonderful way.
I love you sweet friend, always~~
I was feeling you so very deeply in my heart yesterday and grateful I acted on it and sent the hug your way. We are connected dearest Rhonda, each of us here on FMO, in the most loving of ways.
Hoping John is home safe and sound tonight and adore how you honor your peace loving son, Josh, with the clean up. I agree that thirty people to show up and participate is an army of peace warriors ALL for Josh!
Love YOU and can\'t wait for the real deal hug in August. It\'s time for a heart to heart (((hug)))!!!!!
XO Joanie
Rhonda ~ I can relate to what it\'s like for our husbands to be away on their job. Like you....I find the time when I\'m alone to be the most difficult. Usually I just want to keep to myself, but I try to plan a little something, like meet up with a friend or family member for a couple hours, maybe for lunch or early dinner. I also take advantage of my alone time & even cook some foods that my husband doesn\'t really care for, but I do, like sauerkraut & pork. :)
Of course I watch a lot of TV, I guess to occupy my mind with \"stuff\" so I\'m not alone in my sad thoughts the whole time my husband is gone.
My thoughts are with you along with lots of hugs. During a time when your husband is gone, feel free to message me. My chat feature is not working right now, but we could \"chat\" via messages here or even by email. If that\'s something you might want to do, let me know & I will message you my email address.
Just 1 more day & your hubby will be home!
Hugs of friendship.......Vicki
Rhonda, I know exactly what you say when doing something good (in memory of our kids) feels so bad, because if they were with us we either wouldn\'t be doing it or theyd be with us as we did it... I miss Jenn every step when we do the Melanoma walk...
Hugs dear friend...MaryLou
Yes, Josh should be here...and I agree some times those alone times...bring that pain back in a flash. I do have to say how overwhelming it must be to have so many come for the clean up...such love for Josh...and for you and John. Love to you Rhonda...
Right there with you beautiful, holding your hand, wishing we could hug on our bad days. I\'m with you! Hugs and so much understanding!