Creeping Darkness

A few nights ago I cut again. Then the night after that again. I don't find it much of a big deal. I was stressing because I found out I need to have a surgery and  my cousin had told me he had a plan to shoot himself during the first school rally. I totally rambled on and on about that but the journal was super long so I cut that part out. Anyways, the night I cut again was the night I felt like my depression was coming back. I can feel it like it's creeping up behind me and like it'll just attack me from behind. But the thing is, I want it to. I want it to consume me and take me. I'm don't care about fighting it anymore I just want it to take me. I don't have the willpower to care about what depression will do to me. I know I should fight it for the people who love me, but I don't love myself. How can I live knowing how much people love me and not love myself? I know people care about me, but I don't care about myself. It's devastating. I'm lost. My mind is at war with itself.