Craziness to sanity
All logic aside- I just feel really fucking stupid right now. I did it again! I allowed myself to get excited over something else that didn't work out. What I'm really feeling is I should have fucking known better. Dammit. This fucking sucks. You know what fucked w my head- it was the first convo and he was talking about he wanted to be my man, how I was his dream girl, talking about us getting married. I tried to just gloss over those comments bc how the fuck could he feel that when we haven't ever met. But I started believing him- I started feeling like he was telling me the truth- fuck me for that.
I feel like no one's going to ever be what I need and that my life will be better if I just get it through my head that things like healthy relationships just aren't for me. Things like being in love- not for me. 15 years of dating has shown that. The only people who ever loved me were fucking crazy. This sucks. I just feel really fucking hurt. Why me?
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Okay so I'm feeling a little more sane after I let all that craziness out. I put on some music which always helps me tremendously. it always has. This song by taylor swift came on that actually helped me- go fucking figure! Normally she writes about teenage bubblegum crap- someone else must have written this one. Its called white horse. She talks about how this dude was apologizing after he hurt her and she just wasn't having it- the chorus was "I'm not ur princess, this aint a fairy tale, I'm the one u sweep off her feet and whisp her up the stairs, I was a dreamer before you and look what it got me so I'm sorry but its to late for you and your white horse to come around." I really believe everything happens for a reason. I believe there was a reason for me hearing that song. Its okay that this dude ain't it for me. In fact- I should be really grateful that I see it so soon. Its my crazy past that makes me question myself instead of being thankful for what it is I have learned.
For example- w J- I would have texted him this morning to say good morning- even though he blew me off last night- I would have told myself I was just being sweet but in reality I was just being obsessive and codependent- needing him to validate me.
So shit's way better now- and after I got out all that craziness I see that.
God bless journaling.
I feel like no one's going to ever be what I need and that my life will be better if I just get it through my head that things like healthy relationships just aren't for me. Things like being in love- not for me. 15 years of dating has shown that. The only people who ever loved me were fucking crazy. This sucks. I just feel really fucking hurt. Why me?
------------------------------------------
Okay so I'm feeling a little more sane after I let all that craziness out. I put on some music which always helps me tremendously. it always has. This song by taylor swift came on that actually helped me- go fucking figure! Normally she writes about teenage bubblegum crap- someone else must have written this one. Its called white horse. She talks about how this dude was apologizing after he hurt her and she just wasn't having it- the chorus was "I'm not ur princess, this aint a fairy tale, I'm the one u sweep off her feet and whisp her up the stairs, I was a dreamer before you and look what it got me so I'm sorry but its to late for you and your white horse to come around." I really believe everything happens for a reason. I believe there was a reason for me hearing that song. Its okay that this dude ain't it for me. In fact- I should be really grateful that I see it so soon. Its my crazy past that makes me question myself instead of being thankful for what it is I have learned.
For example- w J- I would have texted him this morning to say good morning- even though he blew me off last night- I would have told myself I was just being sweet but in reality I was just being obsessive and codependent- needing him to validate me.
So shit's way better now- and after I got out all that craziness I see that.
God bless journaling.
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