Craving Men
I am bored and lonely and a bit depressed and I'm craving men. I want to go on a date or have a man tell me I'm pretty or get hugged or kissed. This I know that I cannot have right now so what do I do instead?
Why am I so lost without a man to focus on?
I don't have any friends. I have acquaintances and people to hang with but no one who I can really talk to. My family is useless in this way, as well as they are never around so it's just me and my kids .. A LOT. Not that my kids aren't entertaining and time consuming because they are but I crave adult companionship. I crave excitment. Everything seems so drab and boring to me.
I guess these men getting back in contact opened up the floodgates again. I'm teetering on my fragile bridge of self-sufficiency. I just don't know what to do when I am feeling this way. I know it is sort of victim - loserish thinking but I can't seem to snap out of it.
I can't figure out what is wrong with me these days and I HATE it. I don't want to go to a man to fix this feeling because it never works but I wish I knew what direction to take or what to focus on to get me out of it.
Exciting things are supposed to happen on Saturday night and all I have to look forward to is laundry!
Why am I so lost without a man to focus on?
I don't have any friends. I have acquaintances and people to hang with but no one who I can really talk to. My family is useless in this way, as well as they are never around so it's just me and my kids .. A LOT. Not that my kids aren't entertaining and time consuming because they are but I crave adult companionship. I crave excitment. Everything seems so drab and boring to me.
I guess these men getting back in contact opened up the floodgates again. I'm teetering on my fragile bridge of self-sufficiency. I just don't know what to do when I am feeling this way. I know it is sort of victim - loserish thinking but I can't seem to snap out of it.
I can't figure out what is wrong with me these days and I HATE it. I don't want to go to a man to fix this feeling because it never works but I wish I knew what direction to take or what to focus on to get me out of it.
Exciting things are supposed to happen on Saturday night and all I have to look forward to is laundry!
Replies
I know how you feel. I am also feeling very lonely this week. I had a death in my family that has left me feeling extremely lonely. I realize how distant I am from my family and I don\'t really have any close friends that came to to help me w/ my depression this week, which made me realize that I really don\'t have any real \"friends\". I have acquaintances, like you. However, I do have guys that I go out to dinner w/ on occasion, and hug even. But I feel nothing. I want to be close to someone. I want someone to hold me at night. I want someone who cares when I am hurting. I think it would be better for both of us if we had close friends who cared and would be there for us.
I totally understand what you are saying. A death in the family is one of those times when you really need support and it is a lonely feeling when no one is there to provide it. I usually do okay on my own because I am so used to taking care of me but that would be one of those times when I needed someone else. I think one of the reasons I am so infatuated with men is because I am hoping to get that sense of belonging or feeling that someone cares about me. You are right if I had more support in other areas of my life like family or friends I wouldn\'t feel so isolated and needy. It is hard to convince yourself that you are cared about when no one is there when you need them!
I commiserate with you and if I find a good solution I will let you know. I am sorry about your loss and am here for support anytime.
I sure do wish you could get your hands on Letters from WWL2M. It is out of print so you would need to find it used or at the library.
She discusses what a long process it is to recover. From page 80:
Our work is with ourselves, with changing our own hearts and becoming willing to give up our identification with the role of victim, martyr, rescuer or self righteous avenger.
Obviously this is a much greater challenge than simply going out and finding another man and hoping that he will be the right one. No man will be right until we heal that in ourselves which has been attracted to a battle of wills and has needed to win or to lose and point the finger of blame at another for our troubles.
Did you have a chance to listen to that radio show? I am really into listening to all of her shows. Here is another one. I hope you have a chance to listen:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2009/12/29/relationship-expert-melanie-tonia-evans-discusses-boundaries-part-1?loomia_ow=t0:s0:a50:g2:r2:c0.239357:b29559458:z0
Thanks Susy! I haven\'t listened to any just because I have been so swamped but I think I\'ll try one out tonight! It seems like a good idea since I am struggling so much right now.
Here is something I wrote not long ago on this same subject:
I can tell you that I would have never admitted to myself (or anyone else) that I was looking for validation outside of myself. Rebecca had to FORCE me to admit that to myself.
I was writing in my journal tonight and I started thinking about how sad it is to seek validation outside of your self (or eat or shop in lieu of). It is like being out in the ocean threading water and only having a life vest to hold on to. Because you are sinking and drowning, you let jump into the the first boat that comes your way. You CLEARLY see that this is not safe boat, you see the holes in the floor board and you know that very, very soon you will have to start bailing water, but you are so weak, you jump into the boat anyway.
Well sister, all I can say is you better learn to swim, so you don\'t have to climb aboard the first boat that comes along.
When you so desperately seek validation outside of yourself, you are not even looking at them clearly to see if it someone that will make you happy. You are not considering: is this a good person, is this a kind person? You just start doing everything and anything you can to make sure that they like you, that you can keep them around. What they are contributing to you, does not even factor into the equation.
Hmm - First, let me say, I can definitely relate to being at this spot. Part of it, I think is just natural and ok. There\'s nothing wrong with feeling a want to be with a man. We were designed that way. But, I also know that feeling when you know that your missing being in a relationship for the wrong reasons, looking for a man for more than is appropriate to.
One thing stood out to me in this - you said, \"I just don\'t know what to do when I am feeling this way. I know it is sort of victim - loserish thinking but I can\'t seem to snap out of it.\"
I can relate to that also. There are plenty of feelings I have at times that I first wish I didn\'t have or feel like I shouldn\'t have them. However, I am now finding (and this is one of those things I have to repeatedly remind myself of) that it works a little better to be more accepting of my feelings. I have to give myself permission to feel whatever I feel.
It kinda goes along with the whole \"feelings are sign posts\' thing. The feelings I get are, basically, clues. They are valuable pieces of information that I do best to accept and observe. They help me figure out how to help myself in other ways, like how to heal emotionally. They do not always mean what they first appear to mean, of course. But, that\'s why they\'re more like clues than detailed instructions. Like a clue, though, I want to be able to gather all the information I can about them. That is best done when I fully accept them and allow myself to feel them.
Feelings don\'t make someone a looser, a victim, or a person who refuses to move out of the victim stage. It doesn\'t make me wrong to feel anger at someone or right to not be angry. It doesn\'t make me pathetic to feel lonely. I don\'t choose my feelings, so it also doesn\'t make much sense for me to be dissapointed in myself for having them. I got \'em. Period. Now, what can I learn from them? Make sense?
Anyway, Dr. Phill had this exercise (on the weight management cd, but I think it applies to lots of other stuff) and he said to answer three questions. I really like the tool cuz it helps get to the bottom quickly - helps me to see what my feelings really are clues to.
1- what is your goal, what is it you\'re wanting (or feel like you\'re wanting)?
2 - how do you think you\'ll feel when you get that?
3 - What steps can you take to get there?
Then, you answer the same questions again, except you use whatever you wrote for #2 as the answer for #1. You repeat over and over until you have the true goal. I don\'t know if question #3 would really be all that helpful here, but maybe on some of them - maybe just something to consider, not necessarily follow.
This entry reminds me of that exercise cuz it sounds like basically what you\'ve already started to do. Maybe it would be helpful to repeat it a few more times. ???
Here\'s what I\'m getting as your answers so far
1 - craving a man
2 - what feelings would I have if I got one? A - something to focus on, excitement, sense of belonging, knowing someone cares about me
3 - not really applicable cuz I don\'t actually want a man. However, if I had other people close to me, that might help.
Ok, so then you would start over, maybe even braking it down into a couple different exercises - not sure, depends on how related these things are for you
1 - What am I wanting? A - something to focus on, excitement
2 - What do you think you would feel if you had that? (What would that solve for you, maybe even? just tossing stuff out there).
Like I said, sounds like what you\'re kinda doing already - and why the whole validation thing is coming out. Personally, I would guess that there are several keys here - lots of different things this clue can point you to. Someone to care about you, a belonging - for example - for me, that points to a lack of self-love and self-care. I feel a lot more lonely when I don\'t have myself to rely on, when I\'m not really a support to myself. When I know I can trust myself to unconditionally love myself and care for myself, being alone is much less daunting. I still like company, but it isn\'t such a big deal.
Ok, I\'ve rambled forever now. One more comment and I\'ll go - - sounds like you\'re making a bunch of progress with this.
Take care
Brilliant!!!!! Thanks Jolleenee. This is some serious food for thought and it makes lot of sense to me. Sometimes I just need to put in order everything that is floating around inside my head. It makes me think that what I want on the outside is really stuff I\'m craving on the inside. I especially like the end part when you talk about self-love and self-care and not having yourself to rely on. This is a really important thing with me. When I don\'t believe in myself everything else kinda falls apart. So really my focus is in the wrong place and I need to figure out what it is I really need.
So what you got me thinking is: do I need a man or do I need a sense of belonging, something to focus on, excitement etc. and can I not get that from other places???? I definitely can!!!
I have a tendency to give up just before I get to the good stuff. I\'ll keep trying though I promise!
Hmm, been muddling over this (and the ways it reminds me of me). A new thought occured to me - are you wanting something to focus on because you are lacking something to focus on now or because you are trying to keep from having to focus on yourself/surpressed feelings.
Just tossing that out there - see if it clicks at all. I have found that I do a LOT of finding distractions (usually in the form of addictive/compulsive behaviors like men, smoking, overeating) so I don\'t have to feel. Being bored means a lot of availability to feel, which I seem to find daunting.
You may have hit the nail right on the head. Avoidance is my middle name but I never really thought of it as avoiding me. I guess downtime does mean I have to think and thinking leads to feeling and I guess feeling is not my strong point. I really think I used to suppress my feelings so much that it\'s really hard to know what they are sometimes. I too think I distract myself. Men is definitely the biggest one but shopping comes in a close second. It makes me feel good for that moment. Feeling is hard for me because sometimes I don\'t know what I\'m feeling at all!
arat, that thirst you are talking about comes from craving the symbiotic relationship which is the mommy and me are one relationship. Another huge contributor is the graduation from he makes me happy where it requires another person to tell me who I am and my worth.
Apparently you know that what you crave is not actually going ot grant you what you are looking for. Maybe temporarily or momentarily but it will not give you that connection of well being.
love addiction, excitement and romance are a heady attraction for most females. You are hardly alone.
What I would like to know is if you do not have the time for Susys articles she posted then how do you figure the time for a date?
For me, that particular gerbil wheel has finally been dumped. It required years to change and become centered in self where what I do and see and experience with in myself is exciting and it requires no other person. I mean to say that I was in therapy for 5 years untangling , unplugging and rewiring. i learned how to put the focus on me and not the other person as an extension of this part of myself that I had not claimed and was disconnected from.
So, i am not sure what kind of energy and attention you are willing to put fourth for your internal situation.
I can say that being this way is the answer i was looking for and the old answer, the exciting Saturday night , the date, the compliments and the kisses are no longer viewed in the same light although I do love to kiss.... that hasn\'t changed.
Another point is that you crave the love and attention you give to your children and that is understandable. i strongly urge you to find slide scale counciling and get interested in what you can do to develop your relationship with yourself. This isn\'t just going to go away. You are needing to work on it and find a person who knows how that process happens.
With that in mind ... there is also the fact that getting a good councilor is not so easy.
So your mind searches for a quick relief of feelings of longing and needs for excitement. It is understandable that you want to have some fun. i think you need invest some interest in finding new people to circulate with as well as new ways of circulating.
Well Pageo I heed you advice. I put my name on the list to get counselling again. If is fee scale counseling so I can afford it!
You commented: So, i am not sure what kind of energy and attention you are willing to put fourth for your internal situation.
That is a very good question and one I need to contemplate. I really want to change the way I am ... always needing and yearning and never being quite satisfied with the situation I am in. But am I putting in enough effort to change things or am I just complaining hoping some magical fairy will put dust on me and everything will be fine.
I guess if I want to change things I have to change them myself:)
Arat , i think it is OK that you recognize a craving. i think that craving is real . i have had that craving in my life and I did find out what it was and worked with a therapist from there. So the craving is legitimate. It doesn\'t mean there is something wrong with the seed of the sensation just that what it is pointing at is not the answer. That is the strange part. How it is in a disguise yet does have a reality from childhood.
My experience with this solved when I learned a new self belief system. Learning how to connect with myself in a new and healthier way.
nope, fairy dust doesn\'t do it. If it did I would gladly send you a truck load. You could bathe and rest in it and sooth to the point of no return. :o)