cracked the illusion
Last night I was challenged with a number of things after my last journal.
I really contorted to get along with this sister as we drove from the airport, not good.
I felt a mess afterward....
When I got back to my cell, I started to feel very alone as I hadn't talked to my Dad in a couple days.
I felt both very on my own, and yet inspired to grasp hold of the life I have
and I felt a purposeful okness with that - it was instinctual - it felt good and natural and like I was picking up the mantle
that we all need to do at some point.
Then as I was waking up this morning.
I was just getting up and out of bed remembering the night before as I went to sleep
the essential nature of owning and developing my life
No judgements about it - it's my version of it (and so I will embrace it)
To color the mental times for me that in the background, I have also felt like my Dad and I are separating.... and I am starting to see
that it's a natural kind of thing as well. It's natural to accept that our relationships with our families
are as they are and - not to think things have to be perfect - or unsettled that they aren't -
it's me starting to accept adulthood and - to go ahead and create my own life
and create a future. (perhaps just my own version of it all).
Along with my community I have and my relationships with friends
and my professional life and my financial life as well. They're all something to focus on -
We all gotta manage those things someway and we do....!
In the mix of things his morning as I was getting dressed - I was feeling very prone to aesthetic thinking if that makes sense...Following
an image to its ultimate iconicism..
Though I didn't feel so competent this morning - I just got myself up - got showered
and dressed, made the bed and got down to services.
Living in a community is helping me learn value for my life for some
reason - I'll touch more on it later - As I said I had a better understanding last night of my own journey...
I may have felt really messed up this morning...but
I decided I'll keep on keeping on.. embrace my relationships and value what I am learning here at the monastery.
Again living in a community is really forcing me to confront some things.
Like I mentioned above - I was thinking in a really linear way - and as I sat behind the iconostasis (altar screen) I stopped subjugating myself and looked up realistically at everyone at work and thought
I think I’m cracking the illusion within me of there being a perfect 'way of conduct'. The religious ritual here is not to subjugate yourself to it entirely, I mean it is important to follow the rules but the essence
is god and compassion...it reflects that we each have something to offer - the essential relationship of civilization and behavior are ritualized but at one point someone also had to 'make up' the ritual of what’s being done.
I will do the ceremony eventually, the service I mean, but ultimately I will do it as it's done as well as in the way I do things.
It’s a mix of compassion and just consciousness of whether what I'm doing is ok, of self questioning, of evaluating my own self judgenent of what I'm doing
and experiencing while I am doing them.....
Things are good. Everyone is interpreting what to do at any given moment in any situation. I think and believe the very basic essential and foundational relationships here at the monastery
have helped me a great deal! I feel healthy!
Replies
Big hug sweetie.... I'm sorry that you had a struggle last night... We don't always get along.... And we're not always going to be the best of friends' with everyone that we meet...... All we can do is the best that we can
I hope that today is more peaceful for you... You're going through huge changes and it's still all pretty new.... Be kind to you.... You deserve it.... Another big hug and a blessing... xo
Thanks Jan!
Again I just wanted to say, Jan, that I really appreciated your comment on this journal. I guess that bad experiences can have a cascading effect on our minds and yet we can be inspired to produce knowledge and growth and good work from the experience (figuring it out or just putting the energy to work!) I was in touch with the ideas behind this journal and what I was observing at first and then took a step back when you put forth your take on what was going on.. So I see sharing and drawing conclusions, creating and processing it's kind of a mix...It's funny how we each see different parts of a thing - and yet it's cool to hear the different perspectives! Two minds are better than one! Thanks Jan! xx
Thanks everyone for commenting on my journals, you are all really so appreciated!!
Part of the process in participating in a 'community' living arrangement is noticing the changes in the way we see in conversing with people.
It might not be so much as 'getting along' as defining the different perspective of conversation words.
I know I'm emotionally attached to being 'kind and polite' to others out in public. The definition of being in an unknown situation and feeling the sense of 'unknown' has given me a sense of private and public conversation differences.
That was a new experience, you driving with someone unknown who is a part of the community living arrangement. That shows bravery and courage and trust that you are able to be around 'unknown' factors and keep functioning. That's impressive!
Here's to you.
Thanks Mid!!
I agree with Mid about you being brave and courageous just driving someone unknown. Small talk goes both ways. She sounds like she wasn't very good at it. At least you tried. Try not to judge yourself. You did good.
thanks becky!!