crash

last night I got hit by a guy running a red light going about 50 mph.  my car flipped and slide through the intersection.  I don't think I was scared for my life, everyone was surprised I made it out, especially in the condition I am.  not a single scratch, just a little whiplash.  the second year of my depression involved a lot of thoughts of dying in a car accident.  I don't think that'd be a good way to die, and I haven't thought that for a while.  I feel like death should be more private than that, not a spectacle for teenagers to tell their friends about and more civilized people to have haunting over them in the back of their mind.
the ER wasn't so great, they wanted to take xrays and they took my shirt off, which was mortifying for me.. I guess they didn't think it was a big deal since I'm a guy..  but, good news is I didn't hit myself at all the last time I wanted to, so I didn't have bruises that I would have to explain.
I stayed at my parents' last night and today.  I ate more than I wanted to, but I didn't binge. I'll definitely gain a pound or two though.  I don't know what I'm gunna do about ED, I want to get my weight down and keep it down, but I don't want to have to live my whole life watching my food and what not.  I'll never be able to enjoy life like this.  maybe I it'll be easier once I've found a girl that'll stick me with.  honestly I didn't care as much about what I looked like when I was with angie.  she always just made me feel comfortable with who I was and how I looked even though she was fairly skinny and the much more attractive one out of the two of us.  I wasn't deep into ED then as I am now though, I was always careful not to do things to myself that would leave damage, because then someone would find out.  now it doesn't matter as much.  that's why I can cut and purge, no one will ever be close enough to me to know what I'm doing, my secret is safe..