Coyote in the moonlight

I was having a good day, I am still having a good day.

Earlier on I felt enthusiastic because I had a sense of what I planned to do with my day, self responsibly, instead just zoning out and loosing track of my need to keep on keeping on, not just with monastery chores, but with personal work goals primarily. I can more easily motivate for others. As well household chores are a cinch too. The spacing out usually comes when I have time to do my own thing. I haven't reliably been able to envision or think about that (my own thing/work related) in this positive organized way. In fact it seems in like forever. It’s definitely with a much greater acumen today, no mud in my eyes..grateful for the clarity of mind and purpose! I served liturgy this morning and then took a nap, after morning meal,  with Blue and then made some tea and started to research jobs. I am so excited that I am motivated to do this and looking for work it all seems promising. At first, although my head was on straight with purpose, I couldn't move beyond my 'awe of the day' and my life in general. It happens sometimes like that for me. It was a huge wall. I chatGPT'd for what it means to be in a constant state of awe - which so often is my m.o./ theme song. I thought maybe that 'oh so frequent' experience meant something of a bigger issue about me. That's my go to reaction as well- suspicion of a greater issue at hand. After reading the ChapGPT article the  last part helped:

“I don’t know what this is yet. Let me stay open long enough to find out.”

It both made sense and also was a weird electronic reply from a machine and I took a beat. It gave me a sense of what to do with my feelings and what outlook to have although my sense of self, usually is both labile and unsteady a lot resulted in a well being and fresh stability. The perspective I have now, tells me what I can do. Again the major part of 'knowing' for me is now is what  'I can' still do when the loss of sense of self happens. It may come naturally to folks to do stuff like this, without a second thought, but it’s good daylight/clarity for me. Again as I mentioned my mission is taking care, and ultimately and purposely, how I want to keep myself in a good position to tackle life. The loss of sense of self makes me 'other related' and so not usually in tune with self strategic or motivated about my own survival. so today this was a new and useful awarenss. I want some indulgences in life too but all the while taking good care of the places I put myself and invest my time and effort with and being able to know what what the heck I am doing.

I also want to keep a good position for myself with finances, home and personal hygiene orderliness, 

and an assured living circumstances. The community I make for myself which is not just about me but is negotatiated with others, together. I've realized that here at the monastery. It's a place where people who are very damaged by life and sensitive find

a place of peace. Their faith and duty couch their pain and disability and so I too have been embraced here, learned a lot as well as I find commonality in my community. I realize although I have been very ill at times, I have also provided myself with the pragmatic stuff of life successfully (that feels good to recognize that) and now I'm pushing the envelope to think about an equally and hopefully abundant secure future (work again!). For future security, aging care, and experiences for sure. I don't know if I'll be able to live here at the monastery forever but it's been like an incredibly stable environment for me to learn on kinnd of virtual training wheels.

I'm encouraged that I'm realizing in a new light that my ‘true north’ is taking care of myself, my family and friends comes first. I've talked about self responsibility in the past but this time I feel like I'm experiencing it in more of a dynamic and not a two dimensional way slogan type way. I don’t feel distracted like with thoughts of 'I don’t know what I’m aiming for' or 'what i should be doing?' I know I'll get knocked off balance in the future...time and again...but I've gotta keep getting up and dusting myself off and putting myself back in a good pragmatic and smart position to keep on taking care of life. My life, Blue's life, my family's life and my friends' lives . Writing about it feels inadequate and maybe like I’m a coyote yelling at the moon but so it goes. The roadmap is mine to make. Have a great day you guys!! Xo Mark