covid takes a toll........

last night i prayed ......asking God to please help me sleep until 6 am.  he granted my prayer.  that extra two hours of uninterrrupted sleep is a wonderful gift.

truly.  i rose still sleepy .......and happy.  happy is a lovely joyous feeling.  my daughter and i planned to go to the zoo yesterday.  she wasn't feeling well enough to go......she too needed sleep and was able to sleep for 12 hours.  she struggles with insomnia and pain......  12 hours .....ahhh, gives me a momma peace.  grateful.

i put a small roast into the oven.  it's funny to cook while  half asleep, not that much cooking is required.  oven on at 350 degrees......roast in pan, add spices, water.......foil.  slide it in.........pull it out in a few hours.  should be called cheater cookery.  i made some meatballs the other day .......accidentally poured in an overdose of bread crumbs.  so the answer to how much is too much see the illustrations next to ruthie's meatballs in webster's........whoops!  they taste good, but the meaty flavor is drowned out by too much binder.  .......the other funny thing?  i diced onion to add to them and there they were sitting in the frig.......as sleepy and surprised as i am this morning.  brain fog keeps dancing through my head.........

it rained last night.......hour after hour.  an impressive steady rain........may have helped my sleep.  that quiet lovely rhythm of the rain is so good for sleeping.  ahhhhh.

yesterday i struggled.  went to the store for groceries.  there is usually a person here or there not wearing a mask inside, but yesterday the numbers of maskless folks was much higher.  at first i felt a general worry......while there it grew with alarm.  out of 40 people i would estimate that 18 of them wore no masks.  before i even went to kindergarten i knew to wash my hands regularly.  i knew to cover my mouth if i had a cough or needed to sneeze.  lessons reinforced by my folks, siblings, family and neighbors.  by the time i was going through elementary i had a rudimentary understanding of germs.   germs that i couldn't see, but i trusted my teaches and loved ones that germs make you sick.  how germs spread.  i believe that God created science just like I believe  he helped me see ALL that he created, all that he did for me.....for us.

this wonderful ability to take that leap of faith.  it brings me such peace.  i never feel alone.  he is always steadfast.  present.  thank you God!

the first man stood at the salad bar filling up a to go container.  he looked like a landscaper.  a maskless guy standing over all that food open to the air.  a young family pushing a baby stroller in the fresh produce section.  a man buying deli meats........all maskless.

then i saw about ten people all masked until i hit the candy aisle.  a 20 something couple smling and indicating that i could pass by them ......smling without masks........i felt this sense of alarm and despair.  how can they not know?  how can they not care?  am i looking at future ghosts?  no, i don't feel like i'm being dramatic, i feel afraid for them.  common sense alone should tell them to mask up.  heck i'll even take uncommon sense.

by the time i got to the check out line i was feeling anxious and more than ready to go outside....escape from this odd form of interior insanity.  i told the two kids at checkout.........a tall slender boy working the register and a bag girl that i was thankful for their work so we could get food but all the maskless shoppers created worry.  the boy said that Governor Kemp said people are able to decide for themselves.  And without even thinking I said," Are they......?"

He said that a lot of his friends have gotten covid, recovered and they're fine.  I looked at him the way any adult stares at a young person with rocks in his head.  I remember when I felt invincible........that lightning could never strike me.  Death seemed so foreign, I knew it existed, I believed and yet I also knew it wasn't coming for me.  Something no one knows.........not to be a morbid missy, but I felt immortal .......lol.  Now I think this boy is normal and foolish. 

He is playing Russian Roulette.  Only wearing a mask because he won't have a job if he doesn't.  He went on to share that only older people or people with pre existing conditions really have reason to worry.  So.......he's ready to let me die?  Or his Grandparents or well anyone not him might make him sad for a bit but not enough for him to truly worry?  Was I ever that young?  Truly.......I would have worn my mask after my shift at home so my siblings, my folks and so on wouldn't be at risk.  I wouldn't rush through the door, plop down next to Mom or Dad.......or my Auntie or well you get it.  I would be so careful........

I probably shouldn't have said anything because can you really change someone's thinking in a blink of an eye....standing there in that line when they believe they are invincible? 

I could see that general thing that they had to humor the person with the white hair.  UGH. and boo on them.  I told them they made me very sad.  Imagine ten of your closest friends.  Nine of them get and survive Covid.  Of the ten two of them will have lasting symptoms that will change the course of their lives and ablities for years to come.  Of the next ten one to three of them will not survive.  For reasons unknown or they have an as yet undiagnosed condition that raises their levels of risk.  Puts them in the ground.  They will begin to know as they are being intubated.  Which one of you wants to call their Mom and Dad to tell them that it's just a whoopsie moment .....but had you only worn a mask around them after your shift at work their son or daughter might be alive today.  I said do you wear a seat belt or stop for red lights?  Well yeah he said, it's the law.

I said is there a law telling you not to jump off a cliff?  At what point do you learn from life experience.......I may sound riled and it's because I am riled.  The simple measure of wearing a mask saves lives.  Its' that important and that simple.  Just do it........I wish that big companies would run adds on TV or the radio ....bring home the idea that some of our highest leaders dance around.  Be direct. stay on message.......and if it takes playing the national anthem or sentimental songs that make you think of home sweet home then do that too......show loved ones taking the necessary smart step of wearing masks.  make it real.......and show them footage of the people, all the people of all ages dying from covid.  of the over 300,000.......or more that have died to date......even thought the numbers on the tv screen are lower we still don't know how many died in their homes without care........how many had a heart attack during a bout with covid at home.......and so on........so even that number is probably low........show them that more than half of those that have died are under the age of 40.........show them and show them until they get it.

i listened to Demi Lovato's song "Commander in Chief" and it made me so sorrowful........and our leader still turns a blind eye.  His lack of concern for the ones who stand by him is a very unusual brand of stupid.  This is a man that stood in front of them on his podium and joked that he could shoot someone right out in public, right there on Fifth Avenue and they would stand by him.  He openly mocks the ones that trust him.  And I think "thou shalt have no other God's before me"........don't put anyone higher than God. do your homework on politicians, on tv "christians", tv anchors and others.  it doesn't take a lifetime of active research to sort the reality from the hype.  use that incredible brain God designed just for you...........i need to stop preaching at the air from the comfort of my kitchen.  and pray.

and pray.  living alone and not talking a lot out loud with others tends to lead to conversation build up.  i don't want anyone to die of or suffer with covid 19.  i don't want anyone to have lingering debilitating symptoms that change the course of their lives.  i know and have lived what that is........i wish that on absolutely no one.  i've been ill for some 25 years.......disabled at home for ten.  i have experience with this. 

i could easily tell when that young clerk said that people his age would be fine, but that older people or people with pre existing conditions ......and his voice drifted off.......he found it easy to sacrifice us........easy.  acceptable.  ok.  and that's when the enormity of the level of stupid sinks in like a marinade in an ocean of overwhelming alarm.  for all of us.  WEAR THE MASK.  WASH YOUR HANDS.  PROTECT  YOURSELF AND EACH OTHER.  DO IT!  Thank you from all of us who know better so we do better........trust that we know more than you ......we want our youth to live long enough to help the next generation thrive to old age. 

ahhhhhh, letting it out.....like so much bad air.  i fear for others.  i see ghost towns.......tumbleweed rolling through small towns where kids played football, girls cheered for the teams......grandparents supported their grandkids.  i see all these nameless faceless people from all over our nation now resting in grassy cemetaries.........it hurts my soul.