Courage
I'm on a small vacation and I've used this time to really look deep within. It has been helpful to be away from the house, the memories and the responsibilities. Initially, when people would tell me that I was courageous, I would get really mad. Today, I think I know what they mean. They were right. I thought that I had no choice. I had to face it. I was right too. Courage is doing something when fear is present. I have been courageous. Looking back, I was mad that they would say that when they hadn't gone through it. I wouldn't believe them because they couldn't see my insides all scared and scarred and raw emotion. I believe that they saw and I denied it. The ways I have been courageous...
Getting out of bed and facing another day.
Staying in bed and believing that everything would be ok while I rested.
Leaving things to gather dust until I was ready.
Purging items and knowing I would never see these things again.
Making my sick widow jokes with close friends.
Meeting two widow friends online and meeting them in person.
Laughing in spite what others may think.
Taking off my rings.
Paying off bills not knowing where that lost income will come from.
Traveling to another state with my child.
Taking care of others when I'm not convinced that I'm taking care of myself.
Going out alone.
There are so many ways that I've exhibited courage. Fear was present. I did have choices to make but that doesn't mean that it didn't take courage. I am courageous. All widows/ widowers are courageous. We may not have a choice in it, but we can certainly claim it. Courage is a badge we have earned.
Getting out of bed and facing another day.
Staying in bed and believing that everything would be ok while I rested.
Leaving things to gather dust until I was ready.
Purging items and knowing I would never see these things again.
Making my sick widow jokes with close friends.
Meeting two widow friends online and meeting them in person.
Laughing in spite what others may think.
Taking off my rings.
Paying off bills not knowing where that lost income will come from.
Traveling to another state with my child.
Taking care of others when I'm not convinced that I'm taking care of myself.
Going out alone.
There are so many ways that I've exhibited courage. Fear was present. I did have choices to make but that doesn't mean that it didn't take courage. I am courageous. All widows/ widowers are courageous. We may not have a choice in it, but we can certainly claim it. Courage is a badge we have earned.
Replies
Thank you Mel for that great paragraph. You named some simple things that I hadn\'t thought of but getting out of bed and facing another day does take courage. I am proud of myself(not in bragging) for accomplishing what I have in the last 2 years, and more since Jim had Alz. I haven\'t collapsed and quit living, even though I feel so very alone. I\'m at the point where I\'m trying to make a life for just me and not worry about the people who have abandoned me this last year. That has been my biggest fear of not being included in their lives anymore. I\'m working on it and I think I feel some determination coming from inside of me. I am going to Italy in Sept. alone(but staying with friends when I get there) and that is a huge undertaking to fly and make all the plans alone but I did it. I haven\'t taken off my rings yet even though I think about it. They\'ve been on 54 years but I do think about it so maybe one of these days I will do it.