countdown to life.....

Feliz Navidad my Amigo!

How are you this fine wet rainy overcast day......as seen in Georgia.  there is a song, i walked into a church i passed along the way.....i got down on my knees and i began to pray.......which leads me to this day's memory.....all the leaves are brown and the sky is gray......

and yet here on the slope of the hill further back is the brightest most beautiful green moss......a large beautiful plot secured by nature to shine and give hope on this quiet day.

there are already puddles by the patio, my outdoor visitor of yesterday, sir pesky himself.....lord of the squirrels paid me a visit and drove Rio up the wall......sir pesky jumped from the back of the yard to the top of the chair......finally landed next to the glass door to my left on top of a solitary white wicker chair......tail twitching, nose busily sniffing.....then Rio attacked the window and ol pesky froze like a deer in the headlights.  total stillness.......a squirrel statue.  just as suddenly as he had frozen he leapt away to safety.....and once again had run of that long wintery backyard. 

the ivy persists in climbing three tall pines......funny how that is, see i told bruce to trim back the ivy on three of the pines......not seeing the other three.  he did exactly as i asked......but didn't notice or didn't contradict my instructions.  sigh........if the ivy is not subdued it will kill the tree. 

i dragged a giant branch from my magic room downstairs......a giant branch of 8 and a half feet tall......in the shape of either a very large wishbone, a slingshot or a huge letter Y.  back then i wrapped it in holiday lights......blue and white.  it is much easier to drag down than the fake skinny tall Christmas tree......so that is my room decor attempt.  amazingly enough it looks pretty cool.

when i remember to plug it in that is......i am a bit lonesome today.  debbie cleaned yesterday and we had a lot to talk about. a lot of it was quite serious.  she broke down at the kitchen sink, so i took her by the hand, led her to the couch, and handed her a box of kleenex......she let a lot of heartache and heartbreak out.  she is tortured by the family problems, so great they seem unsolvable.  more than she can handle, more than she can bear.  the more she spoke the calmer i felt......there are times when we know we have to act but it is never easy.  .....i'm not trying to be mysterious, it's of a very serious nature and last evening i reported what was shared to the appropriate authorities.  it was hard, it was the right thing to do and yet i felt so conflicted......in turmoil.  i lifted my chin up high and did what needed to be done......but it still weighs heavy on my heart.

Lord, help us when we are confronted with storms that tear and frighten us.....help us find our feet when it seems impossible to bear and even harder to stand tall.  Lord be with Debbie this day, be with us all as we all face demons, battles, challenges.......and fear.

I think we should give fear a human name, maybe even a dopey name......fododeohdoh fear.....not enough, Floyd Fear?  Foley Fear?  something that humanizes fear......remember that trick where you imagine the audience is sitting in their underwear when one must give a public speech and fear threatens to polarize us?  foolish fartyfart arthur fear the unmagnificent.  never succeeds in the long run, never makes a real go of sticking no matter how hard he tries.  FEAR is not the enemy, the enemy is not acting, not thinking it through.  i remember the night of a rough storm here at sparrow cottage......the winds were high and strong, suddenly the patio umbrella was lifted up out of it's stand, turned round by the wind and it came at the french doors like a mighty arrow......a mighty red arrow that hit with a crashingly loud thump right at me.  the glass did not break but my heart rate pummeled every bit of my being, my limbs shook........overcome by fear.  i realized that i was pacing......i beseeched God to help me calm down NOW.  i asked for immediate help of this fear.......i was safe inside my home, but i did not feel safe.  i felt too alone, ever alone......on the ledge and alone was pushing me into an abyss. 

when i asked God for help, i felt the calm begin to pour into my body.......an immediate support.  one doesn't always expect an immediate answer when it comes to prayer....one hopes, one wants, one wishes for, but the answer isn't always immediate.  something in my fear whether it was rational or irrational was calmed with one mighty shot of warmth and calm from my head to my toes. i continued to speak to myself......aloud.  God, please remind me that it is alright, that I can do this......that I can be on my own and always find you beside me.  Some people call this their higher power, some say they are spiritual but not religious, I want to stand up and claim God as my Lord.......and the one who leads the helm.  the one who is always there, even when i feel lost, feel distant from him..........when i get lazy or let some life bitterness seep into my soul.......he is still right here.  with me, beside me......when the phone doesn't ring, when the friends never come......when the family is still too busy......no matter what he is always here....and he loves to talk to me, to us.  he never gives me a busy signal, he is overjoyed when i pray.......praying is a lifelong twitter feed between me and him on high.......no hang ups, no call waiting, no i'm busy can i call you later hmmmm?  he is there, steady, reliable and yes, he is real.

the rain has taken a momentary break......i am going back to my room.  writing helps me feel better.......writing always helps.

ellen's boys are here, they came to say their good byes, they took her off life support yesterday.  they anticipate the funeral will be this week end.......82, a long time cancer survivor, the cancer took her arm in her twenties from the elbow down......she was a busy always ready to help kind of woman, active in her church teaching sunday school, going to do mission work in us cities....like new orleans in the hottest heat.......  she has been very active working with the veterans in our area......with the owls, mother to four sons......she lives one street over from me.  gotta go now.....nap time again.  the morning nap just wasn't enough.......no what i mean?