Countdown to Christmas
"So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun"
John Lennon always gets me with this one. I tend to tear up almost every time I hear it. Tonight was no different.
"...and what have you done?" It's a BIG question that leaves a lot of guilt and shame in the room when it needn't. I can attest this verse weighs on me as I see the year come to an end and the new one start, and I have never been one to be satisfied with my accomplishments in a year.
There is always more giving I could have done; more people I could have reached out to. There could have been more accomplishments and more ambition; more goals met. There could be more appreciation for the blessings I do have and more prayers of thanksgiving.
I've thought like this as far back as I can remember, and regret quickly gives way to guilt. My old nemesis.
This year, Covid has eased it some. After all, most of us are doing only a fraction of what we usually do with the restraints around us. The difference this year is my understanding of self-compassion and the need for it. This has truly been a battle for me, and often times it is sidelined while I focus on the anxiety that comes along with chronic health issues. One day, I will be able to tackle my guilt head on, and hopefully bury it with more joy, spontaneity, and vigor than one can imagine.
In the meantime, it's comforting knowing I am self-aware of how guilt has done a number on me and my desire to be easy on myself. It's a step worth taking.
I'm still going to shed some quiet tears late Christmas night, watching some choir sing Christmas carols on television for the last time this year. I'm still going to dream about Christmas pasts with old friends and departed family. I'm sure to have that lump in my throat as I watch the joy of Christmas through my sons eyes and relive that magic that made this time of year so special to me as a child.
This year though, I know I have accomplished a lot in coming back from darkness & despair. I know I have a new self-awareness. And I know God is the rock to be clung to in the violent maelstrom of life.
Merry Christmas.
Replies
Merry Christmas!
Dee, I like John's song too, and I'm sorry that it ways on your mind. I heard something recently that certain songs can initiate dropping of defensiveness or, on the other hand, the lyrics speed wild thoughts and feelings running in high gear. The best is that you are still sharing the problem of barriers, and pointing to the important characteristics of what the matter is. I admire that there are no "false fronts" going on. You are genuinely trying to figure out how to reconcile the differences in your moods.
By the way, I do hope that your son's Christmas was amazing. I remember well how taking many deep breaths helps the day after Christmas, just a thought of my own personal days of playing Mrs. Claus, lol!
@Mid
Thank you, Mid! I hope you had a lovely one!
@Remiah
Thank you, my friend. My son was indeed a blessing and a conduit to that nostalgic, Christmas magic this year. And quite honestly, I was too tired and stuffed w delicious food to remenisce about the good ol' days at the end of that night. I'm thankful I just rolled into bed, as Christmas night late, has never treated me well.
Dee, I'm laughing! I imagine we both had way too much Christmas magic this year. I still enjoyed it! And I'll miss it! I'm very happy that the holiday treated you and your son well. Bless God. :-)