Cornered

I am so lost. I keep googling "suicide" and "xanax overdose" I don't know how to get the thoughts out. this is not like every day, I can handle that, this is so different. This is intense. I'm not afraid. I can do it, it would be so easy, and there would only be a minimal amount of people that it would effect. In this case I have to weigh the pros against the cons and my result is that suicide seems like it could be a logical answer to my problems. Though, I have the suicide hotline umbers and I keep giving myself 24 hour periods to think about things but I'm so lost. I don't want to tell my parents or my doctor because I don't want my therapy or my medication altered or fucked with. I want to share this with someone that I have known for a while but I get so confused as to who I should reach out to. Who would understand? Who would want to listen and help. Who knows me enough to not be afraid by my thoughts yet take them seriously.  I feel that I have contributed enough to the world that I am OK to depart, to see what is next for me. I am curious as to what is on the other side... what is to cone of me? there is nothing more for me here I have lost everything, everything. Some is my fault and some not but I know I don't deserve this, and no one should be subject to this pain. I have this amazing urge to cut my wrist again especially since it is cold enough to wear long sleeved shirts to cover the scars. Ok my seroquel is setting in and I have to go to sleep.