Contradictions
Dear Fred:
Tonight I have been thinking of how full of contradictions life seems to be.. especially when one is trying to return to some sort of life after losing your life's partner, best friend and anchor in life.
I am so aware that there are many good things left to me. The close friends Nick and I had before his death have not deserted me. Great friends and neighbors do their best to include me and help me. I have pretty good health (a true and huge blessing). I have financial security which also is a huge issue when trying to live solo at an older age. I also even have a few single women friends who are also single to spend time with. I have found new friendships on DS which help. I am able to go places and take short trips.
So many people who have lost their dear husband or wife do not have these benefits. I am deeply grateful for them and yet even with all of these good things I still feel hollow and so very empty and lonely... not just for anyone... simply lonely for Nick.
I find it a contradiction that I can be blessed in so many ways and realize it and yet still feel vacant and void. If I know I have so many good things still left in life and I am grateful for them then why can't I get on with life? Why can't I fill this emptiness by concentrating on these good things?
I do stay busy. However, right in the middle of a trip, an activity or even while visiting at times it seems the emptiness swallows me without warning. I understand about "grief attacks". After 16 months why can't I be strong enough to truly enjoy the opportunities and the blessings that I know I have? I am confused by my lack of ability to do this.
At times I remind myself of the hollow chocolate Easter Eggs.... all fancy and happy on the outside, but nothing but an empty void on the inside. Everyone I run on to tells me how great I look and that I am really doing well. They see my smile. They see me laugh. They hear me tell jokes and puns. They see my hair is combed, my make up on. My clothing is clean and I have not lost weight. (RATS!!!) They see me go to lunch. to the Farmers Market, to the movies and on short trips with friends. They see all of this an are relieved and truly happy that I am "finally getting over it and doing better". What they do not see is the deadness in my eyes. They do not know I haven't lost weight because I eat to try to fill the hollowness inside. They do not understand I laugh and tell jokes to silence the sound of crying from my heart and soul.
What a contradiction between the veneer and true reality. I feel guilty for still feeling miserable when I know there are so many things to be grateful for. I am starting to work with my counselor on trying to develop a more positive attitude towards the life I now have. The logical part of me wants this badly. The emotional part of me is still playing the wimp.
Tonight is a "down" night but I will keep working towards acceptance and hopefully will find a way to allow the good things that surround me on the outside to fill the hollowness inside.
Thank you for listening, Fred. Good night.
Darlene Newman July 19, 2012
Tonight I have been thinking of how full of contradictions life seems to be.. especially when one is trying to return to some sort of life after losing your life's partner, best friend and anchor in life.
I am so aware that there are many good things left to me. The close friends Nick and I had before his death have not deserted me. Great friends and neighbors do their best to include me and help me. I have pretty good health (a true and huge blessing). I have financial security which also is a huge issue when trying to live solo at an older age. I also even have a few single women friends who are also single to spend time with. I have found new friendships on DS which help. I am able to go places and take short trips.
So many people who have lost their dear husband or wife do not have these benefits. I am deeply grateful for them and yet even with all of these good things I still feel hollow and so very empty and lonely... not just for anyone... simply lonely for Nick.
I find it a contradiction that I can be blessed in so many ways and realize it and yet still feel vacant and void. If I know I have so many good things still left in life and I am grateful for them then why can't I get on with life? Why can't I fill this emptiness by concentrating on these good things?
I do stay busy. However, right in the middle of a trip, an activity or even while visiting at times it seems the emptiness swallows me without warning. I understand about "grief attacks". After 16 months why can't I be strong enough to truly enjoy the opportunities and the blessings that I know I have? I am confused by my lack of ability to do this.
At times I remind myself of the hollow chocolate Easter Eggs.... all fancy and happy on the outside, but nothing but an empty void on the inside. Everyone I run on to tells me how great I look and that I am really doing well. They see my smile. They see me laugh. They hear me tell jokes and puns. They see my hair is combed, my make up on. My clothing is clean and I have not lost weight. (RATS!!!) They see me go to lunch. to the Farmers Market, to the movies and on short trips with friends. They see all of this an are relieved and truly happy that I am "finally getting over it and doing better". What they do not see is the deadness in my eyes. They do not know I haven't lost weight because I eat to try to fill the hollowness inside. They do not understand I laugh and tell jokes to silence the sound of crying from my heart and soul.
What a contradiction between the veneer and true reality. I feel guilty for still feeling miserable when I know there are so many things to be grateful for. I am starting to work with my counselor on trying to develop a more positive attitude towards the life I now have. The logical part of me wants this badly. The emotional part of me is still playing the wimp.
Tonight is a "down" night but I will keep working towards acceptance and hopefully will find a way to allow the good things that surround me on the outside to fill the hollowness inside.
Thank you for listening, Fred. Good night.
Darlene Newman July 19, 2012
Replies
I SO know everything you mean and feel......sending lots of hugs......comfort and peace.....
I understand my friend. I am so blessed with family and friends but nothing can fill the void of a life without my husband. This is definately so hard....know you are not alone. Hugs Lu Ann
Darlene, such a truthful and poignant entry. I was thinking today that I feel like a tree that looks good from the outside, but has an empty and rotten center. This pain has changed. I am able to function well enough to look okay, but the knife\'s point goes to the core. I think that must be another part of the healing process. I am so grateful for my blessings and have more each day, but that central part of me that is wounded seems to have suffered a mortal wound. It goes to the core. i do hope for healing that strengthens the inner core. I know that bone material is broken down and built again every day by our bodies. Maybe this is what that central wound is like. I will be praying for you and all of us recovering from this brutal wound. I also trust we will be building back as we go along. Peace. Darleen
Darlene,
Your journal entry was so honest and true----It is hard to know when we will feel \"filled in\" inside. From the outside we may look \"healed\", but I know I\'m certainly not. I also try to have a grateful heart for all the blessings I have in my life---but I do often fall short----I keep trying and learning---I think we all do the best we can.
Hugs, love, and understanding,
Sallie
Darlene, great journal and it sound just like me..... I don\'t know if I will ever be able to fill the void left by my husband........yes, how everyone sees the outer you and your activities but they DO NOT see your aching heart............
Wishing you some peace and healing in the days ahead..........hugs
What an honest entry and the anaology of the hollow chocolate....perfect. I was just talking to someone yesterday that told me I look great. I said \"yeah\" I look the same, but the eyes...changed, and how to bring them back to what they were? Still a work in progress on that one. i think we all are.
The weight loss as well..and I\'ll say a RATS too! But it\'s as you said..taking your comfort where you can.
The mask that we all put on at the door before we go out....we all understand it so very well.
Love to you Darlene. You have always been such a GOOD friend and I value YOU. always will. Love you diane
Wonderfully stated, echo\'s of my own thoughts.
wonderfully written, amazingly expressive journal of your loss and sadness....sending a lot of gentle hugs and wishes for healing.....