Contemplate

 In my last update, I said I've been talking to my ex-girlfriend. Honestly, at this point, I figured I'd be writing about how we've stopped talking and my life continues uninterrupted. But that's not the case.
 Her and I have talked for about a month now. Almost everyday. I say almost because I can only text her while she's at work Monday-Friday 8am-5pm. Sketchy, right? That's just how things have to be. As soon as she gets home, she goes back to her life with her girlfriend, and I go back to my life of waiting for a text message. There are a few things that must be understood before judgement is passed.
 When her and I were together, I was so selfish. I cheated, belittled her, manipulated every situation I could, and essentially did whatever I wanted. We were together for two years, and I didn't treat her very well. She worked with me through a lot of issues I had, and she was very patient with me. We have a certain chemistry that can't be denied, but I wasn't ready for a relationship, and she would have given the world for me. When we decided to end things, I didn't fight it or anything. She actually broke up with me, and my pride went into like, overdrive. I moved out, and she moved away. I did my own thing and she moved on. Finally, I changed a lot. There was no way I could have a healthy relationship and treat girls the way that I was. So I took some time to be single and really took a look at myself. It wasn't pretty. 
  Now, it's over a year later. I've had two girlfriends since her, and she's still with the same one. I never expected to hear from her again. Here we are, talking everyday. Sneaking, flirting, making imaginary plans like we're teenagers. It's all so exciting and fun, but it leaves me with emotions that I'm not used to at the end of the day.
  Everyday at 5:30 when she says she has to go, I'm left with this feeling like she's going to bed WAY before I'm ready to get off the phone. It's sad, but I understand. Except in this case, she's going to bed with her girlfriend, while I got to bed alone. Every Friday, when I know the weekend is coming and she says goodbye, I feel like I'm being dumped. I spend the whole weekend wondering what she's doing, if she's thinking about me, while I attempt to busy my mind with menial tasks. And then on Monday morning, when she texts me hello, it feels like she's asking for me back. We spend the whole week in naive bliss, both of us forgetting about the bad things in the past and the fact that she's in a relationship. I go through this roller coaster of emotions every week. Every Monday-Friday. 
  She talks about leaving her girlfriend a lot, and starting over with me. She's stopped using the term "If I leave her.." and started saying "When I leave.." She mentions starting over together, and getting to know one another again. I'm so damn conflicted though.
  How am I supposed to prove to my ex-girlfriend that I cheated on, that I'm a new, better person, while being this "other woman" in her current relationship?
  She's said herself that she's thankful for the distance between us right now, or things would be a lot harder and a lot more sketchy. But she is cheating. It's emotional, but she's coming to me for things she's not getting from her current relationship.
  I looked forward to my text from her today. But what I got was "Jamie's mother had a small stroke, I'm going to be spending the day at the hospital with her. Sorry I can't talk. I'll text you tomorrow. Have a good day! Muah!" And I was jealous. I have no room to be, but I was. 
  This situation is dangerous. It's self-harming. People are going to get hurt, and it could easily be me. If it was ANY other person, I would be fine. But it's her..
  Either this is my chance at redemption, or it's the closure I need.