Control
So I'm not sure if it's progress, or if I'm just running out of hair to pull, but even my 'bad' day today was not as bad as my 'bad' day a week ago. SCORE!
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds again. I think the only thing they really helped with was getting me to sleep - but I cannot overstate how much better i feel when I'm not zombie-walking my way through the day on more cups of coffee than hours of sleep. Plus I don't scare people, which is always a plus.
I didn't go running today. Boo. But I think something that has been getting to me lately is the way my boyfriend will talk to me about certain things. He is so sweet, usually, but he just says things that really - well, that make me want to explode. Like, he doesn't understand why I eat when I'm not hungry (um, hello like 75% of america???). Or why I'm so impatient. Or why I have no self-control...
I've been wondering about that, myself. Because I've always felt a little out of control when it comes to a lot of stuff, and it drives me nuts; that, combined with my horrible perfectionism (I got really upset in high school because I didn't make all-regionals in two sports, just one. I was an asshole.) is a pretty bad combination for mental functioning. I do feel like I'm out of control when I eat sometimes; I eat like 1/3 a roll of cookie dough in one sitting. I used to eat those little pot pies until I realized they were like 1,000 calories each. I still eat the entire box of macaroni when I make it. (Kraft, not Velveeta.) And I know I'm not hungry, but I get in a semi-trance when i'm around food like that... if it's in my house, it's getting eaten. And probably in one sitting.
The only reason I'm not horrendously obese is because a) I have a good metabolism b) I'm super tall and carry extra weight better than most, and c) I'm just as obsessive/out of control about my exercising. If I feel like I've eaten too much, I can't concentrate until I go running. If I don't I just hate myself - and often wind up eating more to cheer myself up, and then feeling sick, and then eating normal only when I'm not stressed again.
There's other things, too - I'll randomly feel like I have to clean everything until I can concentrate, or like I have to fix everything in my apartment so it looks perfect. But it's cyclical; I can have a week where dust bunnies give me a nervous breakdown, then another when I can't make myself actually walk over to put used dishes in the sink.
When I type it out, it almost sounds like manic depression, but that's not how it feels. My mood usually doesn't change; I just get compulsions to do stuff. I'm still pretty happy when I'm not alone fighting the urge to pull out my hair, then eat 12 cookies and run 10 miles to make up for it. (I exaggerate, but you get the point.)
And the times I've really struggled have been when i'm on my own. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a social creature and feel lonely easily, or if I'm more aware of myself when I'm around other people. When it's really bad, like it is now, I don't want to be around other people because I get tired of being petrified of rubbing off an eyebrow or them seeing a bald spot. There's no one to stop me, but there's also no one to judge me.
Which brings me to my next worry: the only time I'm ever truly comfortable not wearing makeup is around my parents. Maybe, sometimes, around my brother. But not even my sister in law. It's like I have this huge veil that I just cannot bear to take off, and I'm wondering if it's eventually going to kill me. (Yes, I'm dramatic.) Even with my boyfriend, I go to sleep with a little bit of eye makeup still on. I wake up and it's smudged off, so it's not like he doesn't know what I look like... but it's like I can't look at him looking at me when I'm not pretty. Does that even make sense?
I'm just getting to the point where I feel like throwing in the towel. I'm sick of fighting this... I know I'll feel different tomorrow, but I'd like to imagine a world where I didn't constantly have to type or do things with my hands in order not to be bald. I'd really like it, actually. It's just so hard to imagine it actually happening...
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds again. I think the only thing they really helped with was getting me to sleep - but I cannot overstate how much better i feel when I'm not zombie-walking my way through the day on more cups of coffee than hours of sleep. Plus I don't scare people, which is always a plus.
I didn't go running today. Boo. But I think something that has been getting to me lately is the way my boyfriend will talk to me about certain things. He is so sweet, usually, but he just says things that really - well, that make me want to explode. Like, he doesn't understand why I eat when I'm not hungry (um, hello like 75% of america???). Or why I'm so impatient. Or why I have no self-control...
I've been wondering about that, myself. Because I've always felt a little out of control when it comes to a lot of stuff, and it drives me nuts; that, combined with my horrible perfectionism (I got really upset in high school because I didn't make all-regionals in two sports, just one. I was an asshole.) is a pretty bad combination for mental functioning. I do feel like I'm out of control when I eat sometimes; I eat like 1/3 a roll of cookie dough in one sitting. I used to eat those little pot pies until I realized they were like 1,000 calories each. I still eat the entire box of macaroni when I make it. (Kraft, not Velveeta.) And I know I'm not hungry, but I get in a semi-trance when i'm around food like that... if it's in my house, it's getting eaten. And probably in one sitting.
The only reason I'm not horrendously obese is because a) I have a good metabolism b) I'm super tall and carry extra weight better than most, and c) I'm just as obsessive/out of control about my exercising. If I feel like I've eaten too much, I can't concentrate until I go running. If I don't I just hate myself - and often wind up eating more to cheer myself up, and then feeling sick, and then eating normal only when I'm not stressed again.
There's other things, too - I'll randomly feel like I have to clean everything until I can concentrate, or like I have to fix everything in my apartment so it looks perfect. But it's cyclical; I can have a week where dust bunnies give me a nervous breakdown, then another when I can't make myself actually walk over to put used dishes in the sink.
When I type it out, it almost sounds like manic depression, but that's not how it feels. My mood usually doesn't change; I just get compulsions to do stuff. I'm still pretty happy when I'm not alone fighting the urge to pull out my hair, then eat 12 cookies and run 10 miles to make up for it. (I exaggerate, but you get the point.)
And the times I've really struggled have been when i'm on my own. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a social creature and feel lonely easily, or if I'm more aware of myself when I'm around other people. When it's really bad, like it is now, I don't want to be around other people because I get tired of being petrified of rubbing off an eyebrow or them seeing a bald spot. There's no one to stop me, but there's also no one to judge me.
Which brings me to my next worry: the only time I'm ever truly comfortable not wearing makeup is around my parents. Maybe, sometimes, around my brother. But not even my sister in law. It's like I have this huge veil that I just cannot bear to take off, and I'm wondering if it's eventually going to kill me. (Yes, I'm dramatic.) Even with my boyfriend, I go to sleep with a little bit of eye makeup still on. I wake up and it's smudged off, so it's not like he doesn't know what I look like... but it's like I can't look at him looking at me when I'm not pretty. Does that even make sense?
I'm just getting to the point where I feel like throwing in the towel. I'm sick of fighting this... I know I'll feel different tomorrow, but I'd like to imagine a world where I didn't constantly have to type or do things with my hands in order not to be bald. I'd really like it, actually. It's just so hard to imagine it actually happening...
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