Constantly changing reality

As I face the daily struggle of my constantly changing realeity. I have to ponder the past. My friend stated that Tim would not have survived losing me because I was the stronger one. Everyone seems to have the impression that I was the driving force in our relationship. Nobody saw the truth in our relationship. If Tim did not want to do sonething he would use my imagined disapproval as an excuse. So that gave everyone the notion that I was the "bitch" who made all the decisions and wore the pants so to speak. What they don't know is that nothing I did was not without his approval and input.
I struggle now with making decisions because I never made them without his input. I now am trying to figure out why I allowed it to happen. I am in a constant state of anxiety trying to maintain the facade that I am the strong person everyone thinks I am.
Why did I not allow people to see the truth? Now I feel so alone because everyone thinks that I am okay because I was the "strong one". I am not okay, far from it.
I was so angry at my friend for saying that Tim would not have done well if I was the one to have passed. That made me dig deep to try and analyze my anger. I think it's because I feel everybody is more concerned about what might have been and not what is happening here and now. I don't know if it's their way of coping by not having to delve with my realeity.
Just trying to make it one day at a time.
Hugs, Sandi