conservative life...adventurous life...never knowing how I am gonna feel
I conducted a major service this morning down at the church.
It went pretty well - only little mistakes. I was able to take those
moments of humiliation and hurt when I made those mistakes
and just take them in stride - they happen to everyone -
I've realized lately that emotions are not rules but are rather fluid -
it's helped me to be flexible with others and myself.
I came back to my room and got some good rest -
power napped. :-)
I feel secure in my ability to conduct services - at least more
and more now.
Again I came back to my room - and just thought about the reality
that my life feels like I live in a fortress right now - a good fortress of my own making
- and it's my habit is to protect it and take care of it. I live a very conservative life (both in risk and financially)
and I gather it's something that is human nature - but I know we're all different.
- - I'm thinking of the aspect of human nature where all those people
out there, are building their lives - staying safe - staying in control - taknig good care of things- saving their money
etc.. I felt in enough of a centrally commanding secure position that now I had a view of it for myself
and I thought of something different.
I thought about doing something adventurous.
Like traveling to a far off destination. I feel ready for it.
This next statement has nothing to do with anyone but opening up to friends and folks online sometimes reopens
that door of insecurity and a grasping at conservative lifestyle. I
fall to pieces - and plans and outlook, feelings will totally change
but like I once said- or like I said to myself this morning -
it happens to most everyone - and we need to just keep on keeping on.
I'm writing about this because it's very much in line with the issue I have
had of never knowing how I am going to feel when endeavoring to make plans- but now I am catching myself
or trying to - and just get back to the central command feeling of my work
here at the monastery and my life....it's finally working and I feel both insecure and secure at the same
time - at least it feels like a healthier perspective than just feeling out of control.
I hope you guys are having a really good weekend
peace,
Mark
Replies
Yes it does happen to everyone. As long as we are humans, we will have to deal with the emotions that pop up when we least expect them to.
I admire how far you have come and how well you are managing your feelings just taking them in stride. Try not to take life too seriously.
God Bless
Thanks Bob!
I agree as well that it does happen to everyone
Feeling out of control is miserable
I'm glad that you had a good seevice Marky
Lovely!
Big hug...xo
Thanks Jan!!
I got kind of depressed there after writing this and then needing to get down to the cafeteria to help with the food prep but again keeping the momentum going and having a project really turned my frown upside down. ::-(. … :-)
Remembering to be self responsible also helped me feel a sense of agency and confidence! A kind of mastery of the relationships right in front of me as well as in terms of taking care of myself! Positive sense of myself
is there a way to keep that cursed door of insecurity closed, locked and bolted? god knows (in detail) i've gone to serious extremes to do so, but that damned door keeps popping back open. i blame it on god. methinks she wants me to tame those insecurities instead of forever running and hiding from them. just theorating. . .
your writings about your first services have been meshing with adventures in 6th grade band practice. my eldest foster child (11) has taken up the hunting horn (aka french horn) and has been practicing while i digitate. one recent morning, he asked me, "why does my practice always sound like doo-doo but the performances always seem to sound good?"
i answered, "because practice is where you are stretching your limits and experimenting more freely. it be the doo-doo sounds of practice which make the commanding sounds of performance possible."
a soundtrack has arisen over the course of typing this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqNTltOGh5c
personally, i like the miles davis approach to mistakes. when he played a wrong note, he hesitated dramatically and then played that wrong note again, twice as loud. of course, jazz performers can get away with things a stiff-assed priest could never dare to approach.
I think a lot of it is schizoaffective disorder kicking your butt at times sweetie
It can be miserable
I'm so glad that you can vent here and then keep on keeping on
Big hug...xo
Thanks Arfie! I love the French horn. There was a wonderful performer name Dennis Brain he made a recording of Mozart compositions with the French horn. He’s so popular amongst musicians that a group called their ensemble “Brain Damage.”
I recommend him. Truly wonderful!!
https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=dennis%20brain%20mozart%20horn%20concertos&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5
Thanks Janet!! It must be that for sure!!
But it’s my struggle and responsibility to champion myself to deal with it!! Xxoo
<3 <3 <3
i surely will pass on that tidbit, markus. thank you.
for what it's worth
there sure are allot of folks who hate the u.s. habit of calling this wonderful instrument, "a french horn." in france, the call it, "corne de chasseur" or hunter's horn. calling it a french horn cheats us all of some marvelous human history.
an amusing take on the ancient rivalry between the french and the germans can be found in what each call a hunter's horn.
Thanks Arfie!