Confusion is my middle name :)
This post is from a thread I started, here is the link: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Gastric_Bypass_Surgery/forum/17447767-confusion-my-middle-name/lastpage
It was just one of those things I had to save,,,, for when I write a book about wls :) In my spare time! LOL!
So... I've been having some weird thoughts lately... been thinking I needed to come post about them, but they are such a jumble I don't know how to get them all out in a manner that makes sense, but I am going to try! According to the app on my phone that tracks the days since RNY, (yeah, really! ha!) it has been 80 days since my surgery (WOW! time has flown!). And I am thrilled at my progress... In fact, I sincerely believe if I were to never lose another pound, I have been successful in that I have regained my mobility and health as well as many other NSV's plus some scale victories as well. In fact just today I tried on a pair of size 14 levis and could get them to zip up... (I won't lie! I could not breath and they looked WAY TOO TIGHT, but the suckers zipped up!). And some of you may remember me talking about a couple of very nice suede jackets I bought (size 14) before I even had surgery....? Well, today, I can snap them up! They are still a bit snug and I will wait another month-ish before I wear them out, but the suckers fit and when I bought them I could not even get my arms in them! However (seems there is always a "but"....) I also worry that (still) I won't find more success.... I worry that its not enough... that I'm not doing enough... that I eat too much... that I don't exercise enough... that my old food demons are just under the surface and sometimes they raise their ugly head.... and that I will, well, fail! I've not been perfect in this journey... and I beat myself up for that... even tho I know its about progress, not perfection! I worry I will never see the underside of 200 lbs.... I worry that I'll get there then gain it back... I worry that I am not enough to be successful.... I worry that I feel better than I look... that I look better, but not better enough... That my chicken neck and condor wings from loose skin will bug me more than is healthy.... I worry that I am too old to feel this good.... (now if that's not crazy, I don't know what is!).... Thru all of this.... I am so glad I did this! And I guess down deep inside I know I'll work thru all this... and that when I get on the scale again around the end of this month it WILL be a smaller number than was there last month.... and that I WON'T use the word "ONLY" in the same sentence as "LOST"... because saying "I only lost X # of lbs" bugs the beejeezers out of me because I can remember when I was doing WW for years and could not lose a single lb and I would listen to people week after week saying they "only lost X lbs" and I wanted to ring their necks... because any loss is a move in the right direction... and I was jealous... And I know that today, when I came down stairs and showed my hubby the suede jackets fit, and started to cry, then sucked it up.... and he hugged me and said it was ok to cry, so I did... even tho I didn't quite understand the tears as the emotions I felt were a mix of a million different things... that letting the tears out vs. holding them in, well, was also progress... and each day I find the strength to make it thru another day doing (mostly) the right things... and forgiving myself for the occasional not perfect thing I do.... As I sit here wearing a blouse that I have not been able to wear in 10+ years and it is comfortable and cute, and I am thrilled I can wear it, yet a part of me says its not enough... it should be too big, not fit real nice... what the hell? These emotions and such just amaze and confuse me... I could ramble on and on about this confusing stuff... But instead I am headed to one of the beautiful area parks to go for a walk with a beautiful new friend I have made at school.... :) Love you guys! Posted on 10/12/13, 02:26 pm
It was just one of those things I had to save,,,, for when I write a book about wls :) In my spare time! LOL!
So... I've been having some weird thoughts lately... been thinking I needed to come post about them, but they are such a jumble I don't know how to get them all out in a manner that makes sense, but I am going to try! According to the app on my phone that tracks the days since RNY, (yeah, really! ha!) it has been 80 days since my surgery (WOW! time has flown!). And I am thrilled at my progress... In fact, I sincerely believe if I were to never lose another pound, I have been successful in that I have regained my mobility and health as well as many other NSV's plus some scale victories as well. In fact just today I tried on a pair of size 14 levis and could get them to zip up... (I won't lie! I could not breath and they looked WAY TOO TIGHT, but the suckers zipped up!). And some of you may remember me talking about a couple of very nice suede jackets I bought (size 14) before I even had surgery....? Well, today, I can snap them up! They are still a bit snug and I will wait another month-ish before I wear them out, but the suckers fit and when I bought them I could not even get my arms in them! However (seems there is always a "but"....) I also worry that (still) I won't find more success.... I worry that its not enough... that I'm not doing enough... that I eat too much... that I don't exercise enough... that my old food demons are just under the surface and sometimes they raise their ugly head.... and that I will, well, fail! I've not been perfect in this journey... and I beat myself up for that... even tho I know its about progress, not perfection! I worry I will never see the underside of 200 lbs.... I worry that I'll get there then gain it back... I worry that I am not enough to be successful.... I worry that I feel better than I look... that I look better, but not better enough... That my chicken neck and condor wings from loose skin will bug me more than is healthy.... I worry that I am too old to feel this good.... (now if that's not crazy, I don't know what is!).... Thru all of this.... I am so glad I did this! And I guess down deep inside I know I'll work thru all this... and that when I get on the scale again around the end of this month it WILL be a smaller number than was there last month.... and that I WON'T use the word "ONLY" in the same sentence as "LOST"... because saying "I only lost X # of lbs" bugs the beejeezers out of me because I can remember when I was doing WW for years and could not lose a single lb and I would listen to people week after week saying they "only lost X lbs" and I wanted to ring their necks... because any loss is a move in the right direction... and I was jealous... And I know that today, when I came down stairs and showed my hubby the suede jackets fit, and started to cry, then sucked it up.... and he hugged me and said it was ok to cry, so I did... even tho I didn't quite understand the tears as the emotions I felt were a mix of a million different things... that letting the tears out vs. holding them in, well, was also progress... and each day I find the strength to make it thru another day doing (mostly) the right things... and forgiving myself for the occasional not perfect thing I do.... As I sit here wearing a blouse that I have not been able to wear in 10+ years and it is comfortable and cute, and I am thrilled I can wear it, yet a part of me says its not enough... it should be too big, not fit real nice... what the hell? These emotions and such just amaze and confuse me... I could ramble on and on about this confusing stuff... But instead I am headed to one of the beautiful area parks to go for a walk with a beautiful new friend I have made at school.... :) Love you guys! Posted on 10/12/13, 02:26 pm
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