Confusing...

As usual, even over 3 1/2 years in, my emotions run the gamut...I can have a relatively peaceful day, even hopeful, and then bottom out the next day.

I had a very bad day yesterday. It didn't start out that way, but I was triggered, badly, and went down for the count. Terrible face-clawing pain...my husband did what he could...but he is just so limited in how he can relate to me at those times. I don't know if it's because he is a man or just the man he is. He tries to distract me, "get my mind off it"...almost like offering a child a lollipop to stop her from crying over a skinned knee. What he just doesn't understand is that quieting me down does nothing, short term relief at best. When I am in that state of mind, I'm not thinking of the moment or the day or the week. I am thinking about the years I will suffer before I get to see my child again. I'm thinking of all I have lost, I am thinking about all the plans I had made being over...I am thinking that this is just too much pain and I want it to stop. The only thing I know to do at times like that is talk to someone who understands, another grieving mom, who will just listen or maybe gently guide me to a better place. I am in several support groups, for parents who have lost their child to suicide, for parents who have no living children or grandchildren. I have literally spent hours talking on the phone, or texting or messaging other mothers who were in a state of crisis. I have listened, cried along with them, shared my story, whatever they needed and as long as they needed, until they were spent. Until they had gotten it all out. My husband has resented this at times, for dedicating so much time to mothers who really, really needed me. He has felt neglected at times. 

I am not in any way saying I did any of this completely out of the goodness of my heart. That has always been part of it, but there's more. It makes me feel good. Besides that feel-good emotion you get from performing good deeds, I feel useful. I feel strong, wise, like a leader. I feel what I give...so there is a selfish aspect of it too. Yes, I love to help, especially in times of crisis, that's my niche'. I am not that interested in daily contact when things are going well, just the occassional message is fine. I don't like small talk, I like deep, dark, authentic conversations.

I very rarely reach out for help in private messages or phone calls, in fact, I can't remember the last time I did...before yesterday. I can usually write...whether it's a journal here, a blog, a small post in a private facebook group and get by. I never want to burden anyone. It's not a burden to me when I get a call, but I am a different person and I understand that not everyone feels the way I do.

But yesterday...I tried to fight it but there were times that were excruciating. I wasn't even in good enough shape to call my sister or mother because it would have scared them to death. There were moments I had it under control with medication, but other moments I needed help. Every. Single. Person. I reached out to had no time for me. I left messages that were unreturned. I heard excuses when I did get through. Not even good excuses...one "friend" was in the hospital...one "friend" had lost her phone...one "friend" told me bluntly that she was going through it herself and had nothing to give me...I had never reached out to any of them before. These were not people who didn't understand, they were grieving mothers, all of them...who I had known the longest and felt the closest to which was why I chose them to reach out to in the first place.

Thank God I felt better today...but I am so hurt by 5 women. So hurt. I thought we had a sisterhood, a blood bond...Why did it happen? Why??? We have all been through hell, it was my understanding that when a fellow grieving mother was falling down a black hole one of her trusted advisors would step up and pull her out, hold her, talk her off the ledge. I suppose I put too much trust in others...I know I expect too much, but I only expect as much as I am willing to give myself, anytime. I wonder if I should just withdraw...I'm putting my heart out there and I really think I am helpful at times, but my goodness, my feelings are really hurt. And yesterday, when I was actually begging my husband to let me "go" and trying to explain to him that if he only knew what I was feeling he would let me go peacefully...I really needed a trusted sounding board that I thought I shared a bond with. NOT a suicide hotline, not any hotline or stranger, someone who knows the real me and knows my whole story.

I am just hurt...sorry to go on so...Am I STILL too naive???