confused as all heck-might trigger -caution
i am in a tough spot now i have had a new boyfriend for a month now and all was going well in the sex area for the first week then it has been going down i am asking myself all sorts of questions i need help with so i am asking what you think and please be gentle with me.... i wonder how much the assault is having an affect on me my father was the one who hurt me i feel demented because god is this hard to say i dont know if i am sharing too much or if it is against the rules before the assault i watched adult movies not the worst thing in the world nothing real sick i stopped after the assault not wanting much to do with it unless i was i a real mood for it. i now enjoy my sexuality and feel good but here is the thing i am back into watching it now but i am looking up some more hardcore things-gang,hardcore,etc not kid not teen not rape that kind of thing i hate and here are the inner things i am arguing with inside 1. why as a victim can i enjoy this does watching this mean i am sick 2. am i looking for a sense of security from someone just so i feel safe and protected. 3. this man is the same age as my dad but soes not remind me of my father he is the most gentle most complimentative caring sweet supportive treats me like a queen which i am not used to is it freaking me out a tad and i am instinctivly backing off out of fear when i love this man soo much he is concerned and feeling rejected i do not want him to stray i send mixed signals of yes then no hope i am not somehow punishing him for no reason for what someone else did i am just in need of someones opinion my appartment is secure as a fortress how much of this has to deal with the fact that my dad is getting out around december am i freaking on that and the fear he will come find me he only got 8 months jail in april he will be on supervised probation with tons of conditions one tiny mistake dad goes up for 157 months my family has nothing to do with me now even a cousin accused me of doing it on purpose that i am sick yada yada how much of me is stuck thinking the victim should not enjoy life anymore and how unrealistic is that for me to do to myself am i punishing myself somehow??? soo many questions am i just being too analyatical????
Replies
Oh, my friend, I am sorry. Definitely I would think your dad\'s release coming up is triggering you. No, you are not sick. We are all in the same boat, trying to understand ourselves and what happened to us, how it changed us, how we can change ourselves. Some of the things that go on in my mind are extremely creepy and I wonder if I am sick too. Remember your father and my grandfather wanted us to take responsibility for their shame - we have nothing to feel guilty about. We did nothing wrong. Our bodies are designed to respond in certain ways to certain behaviors. And people can be conditioned to have sexual responses under certain circumstances. We have the chance to change - we don\'t have to recreate the abusive circumstances. Can you turn off the hard core stuff? Maybe you are wanting to bring up something to process it by triggering yourself ... I have done that too. But now is a time you need tenderness and affection and love. You need to give yourself support and compassion. Be easy on yourself.
thank you i actually had a talk with a friend of mine who also has the same mental health diagnosis borderline personality disorder and has had the same kind of thing happen to her and she told me that i was not sick i do believe that my dads release is freaking me out i am going to lay off the harder stuff delve deeper into my triggers and have compassion for myself stop ripping myself apart and enjoy life my boyfriend now is very understanding of all this it helped me so much your reassurance and kind words so glad i got back on here it helps so much