Confession

This is a big day for me. It has been over two weeks since I have been on DS....I thought because I was just SO busy with life that I didn’t have time or energy to keep up it all, but as a wise friend pointed out to me, maybe it’s because I was eager to get back to my old ways and if I was on DS how could I justify my behavior. So I slipped, relapsed, fell, failed...however you want to put it...not with an ex but with a new guy, one who I thought I was completely healthy to handle, despite a promise to myself and others to go on a relationship break for six months. I thought he was the “boring” guy that I didn’t like because he held no chaotic excitement for me but it turns out he was just the emotionally unavailable guy. I have to give myself a point for recognizing this at least but I let him take a few more pieces of me...ones that I can’t afford to give. And I didn’t tell anyone I was dating him. Why? Probably because deep down somewhere I knew I wasn’t ready but on the surface kept trying to convince myself that I was. This has left me I guess you could say depressed. I am dragging myself around and have no energy. I am mad at myself for breaking my promise. I am ashamed because I was giving all this advice and I can’t even take it myself. I feel bad about myself all over again and all that positivity I possessed seems to be swirling slowly down the drain. I am back to the same questions: What is so wrong with me? Why can’t I change? Why do I believe so badly that a man is the answer to what is ailing me? I need help and support but once I hit a certain point in my recovery I always sabotage myself. I want to learn how not to do this. So I guess I really need DS because I really need support so I have to make the time. New lesson...new goal to come.

Replies

AgentSmith
AgentSmith

Don\'t feel bad, I\'ve done this several times. Thought a guy was healthy bc I didn\'t see red flags and wasn\'t that attracted, only to find he was exactly like the rest. Its sooooo frustrating to keep meeting them again and again. But I honestly do believe that we eventually get so fed up w/ the vicious cycle that we have no tolerance for them and they are also repulsed by us. I recently met 2 guys who seem healthy. One is now my best friend. He works in my bldg, he knows his issues, talks openly to me about them and is trying to fix them. He is a genuine good guy. The other is a guy I\'ve been on 2 dates w/, talk daily w/ either thru txts or phone. We have been talking for over a month and not one single red flag. Problem is I\'m not attracted to healthy men. That\'s the next hurdle once we finally start encountering them. But I am greatful to have had a drama free life the past 2 months and to have healthy guys to talk to.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Life is a series of twists and turns that eventually take us where we need to be. You thought you were at a certain place and now circumstances have shown you that perhaps you are not quite there. Love to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thats ok. Glad you are back. You cought it early, way to go. Thats a good step! You will get better and better and spotting the crap. It took me a while. I have a Phd in red flags after 1.5 years of dating and spending thousands of hours on this. And I mean thousands. I have no kids so I can. Feel free to run guy stuff by me. I love it!
I too dont fess up on DS to everything. I try more and more though. When I started my relationship I dont think I talked about it here much but I did in my therapy. I was so focused on spotting red flags and analyzing the crap out the guy. It was nonstop test of him. My bf has gone through most intense psychological evaluation ever in his life i bet.

Please dont hate yourself. You are still great and wonderful!
pageo
pageo

Glad you are back Arat... No matter what you are seeking answer and relief but do not have the right strategies.

Taking a good long time off is a smart goal but it would have to include major learning. learning and changing. I have been off the guy merry go round for two years... YEP countem\' can not really believe it myself but then again I can. I am so exhausted of unhealthy relationships I am not willing to even give an inch to my biology.

There has to be a new self relationship before entering external relationships. That is what needs to grow.