Confession

This is a big day for me. It has been over two weeks since I have been on DS....I thought because I was just SO busy with life that I didn’t have time or energy to keep up it all, but as a wise friend pointed out to me, maybe it’s because I was eager to get back to my old ways and if I was on DS how could I justify my behavior. So I slipped, relapsed, fell, failed...however you want to put it...not with an ex but with a new guy, one who I thought I was completely healthy to handle, despite a promise to myself and others to go on a relationship break for six months. I thought he was the “boring” guy that I didn’t like because he held no chaotic excitement for me but it turns out he was just the emotionally unavailable guy. I have to give myself a point for recognizing this at least but I let him take a few more pieces of me...ones that I can’t afford to give. And I didn’t tell anyone I was dating him. Why? Probably because deep down somewhere I knew I wasn’t ready but on the surface kept trying to convince myself that I was. This has left me I guess you could say depressed. I am dragging myself around and have no energy. I am mad at myself for breaking my promise. I am ashamed because I was giving all this advice and I can’t even take it myself. I feel bad about myself all over again and all that positivity I possessed seems to be swirling slowly down the drain. I am back to the same questions: What is so wrong with me? Why can’t I change? Why do I believe so badly that a man is the answer to what is ailing me? I need help and support but once I hit a certain point in my recovery I always sabotage myself. I want to learn how not to do this. So I guess I really need DS because I really need support so I have to make the time. New lesson...new goal to come.