Conclusions

Here's what I get from this morning's entry: 1) The obsessive-compuslive personality disorder I have is about order and perfectionism, directly related to the concept of my "Ideal-self" or "fantasy-self". These perfections were created by my treatment and 'indoctrination' by my mother, and possibly father, as to who a I was, will be, or should be. So I have been trying to live up to their fantasies about me and who I was destined to become...according to their dreams for me and their wishes. 2) The avoidant personality disorder is about avioding the people who refuse to treat me according to my ideal-image, they treat me in reality with reality. They treat me according to who I really am, which is not bad, but certainly not according to how my ideal illusion of my ideal-self expects, needs, or demands to be treated in order to fulfill the beliefs I adopted from my 'over-loving' parents. 3) The passive-aggressive disorder is actually an inner battle that is plyed outside as a symbolic method of solving the inner conflict; namely the conflict between the image of my Ideal-self and my reality-self. The conflict causes an unresolved neurosis. I need the approval of my ideal-self, but I want to be autonomous from the critical voice that constantly reminds me I'm not living up to my ideal-image. Unfortunately the ideal image is inside my head and I can't get away from it, ever. 4) The narcissistic tendency is directly related to the "Ideal-self's" perception of  expected image. 5) The real neurotic problem, and source of my codependency, is the ideal's self-image. The pain is about accepting the fact that the ideal image is an illusion, and can never be attained (which becomes addictive and obsessive-compulsive in trying to attain it). The unconscious belief about needing to be ideal is a fantasy adopted in childhood and needs to be destroyed; killed as it were. Since it is my only identity at the moment, it must die a slow death, while I learn to accept my real self, which again, is not that bad. It's just about accepting it. 6) So what I have failed at doing is fulfilling the need to become the false ideal image that I adopted and created in my youth. I believe this knowledge will help me move on to a healthier self-image, where I am not judging myself by an impossible standard and beating myself up for not achieving that standard. Hoops was right, and so was Gwen; I was too hard on myself; and it was because I was trying to live up to an impossible inner standard. 7) Perhaps looking for the ideal job for the Ideal-self image is no longer necessary. I'll let this analysis sink in and begin the corrective therapy myself. Develop a whole new me...simple. Thank you God, and Blessings to all.